The best reason of all

I've been thinking alot about my kids and how they relate to my weight loss. I know that ultimately I need to lose weight for ME, for my health, my happiness.... and that I will be a better, healthy and happier mommy because of it. As most moms do, I think about how I would cope if I ever lost either or both of them, and it's an image that can immediately bring me to tears. I know that people DO lose their kids and that life goes on, and I guess if it happened to me, my life would go on too. But I honestly don't know how I would ever be able to get out of bed again. Or how I'd ever not turn to food.

But that's not why I'm writing this post... I wanted to really reflect about about my kids losing ME. I'm very lucky that at my age (37), height (5'8") and weight (280), that I'm actually quite healthy. I walk a lot, blood pressure and cholestrol are fine, have had 2 very healthy pregnancies, have no problems with my legs, joints or feet, and I am able to play and run with my kids.... maybe this is why I forget sometimes how fat I really am. I consider myself a very lucky, healthy FAT person. HOWEVER, I also know that I am totally taking my health for granted, and that as I get older, my weight IS going to start affecting my overall health and it's going to create other weight-related issues if I don't turn things around now.

And it could KILL me. Prematurely. And I would leave my kids without a mother. And I wouldn't see them grow up and become wonderful human beings and find happiness, and maybe have kids of their own.

I know this. I REALLY REALLY understand the truth of this. And that's why I'm just astounded that it hasn't been a big enough motivation to stop my self-destructive habits. Why wouldn't my worst fear stop me dead in my tracks and make me NOT eat a freaking stupid mini chocolate bar? Or worse - 10 of them? Forget looking hot, wearing cute clothes, feeling sexy, confident and proud - all good reasons for losing weight - why isn't the thought of not being here for my kids enough??!! Why do I put food before THAT? Why do I choose food over being a full participant in their lives and over being IN their lives for a long time to come?

I know I'm not the only mom that feels this way. I know being fat doesn't make me a bad mom.... I know berating myself for being fat doesn't help anything but create a vicious circle, but I just can't believe that I am choosing - with every unhealthy choice - to take such a huge risk with my life and the lives of my kids.... and for what? For food?

I'm stronger than that - I know I am. I only have to look at my precious kids and feel their unconditional love to know that I'm worth far far more that this.

One of THOSE days!

Do you every have one of those days where you start the day and feel immediately off track?? Maybe it's because I prefer to be super organized and usually have my day planned out in my head..... ok ok, I can't lie.... I usually have a list :) Anyway, I digress... I was up a few times last night with a sick toddler and a teething baby and so when my son woke up at 6:40am, I decided to ignore his crying (I know - bad mommy) and see if he'd go back to sleep... this has never worked before, but miraculously it worked today!! I plunked my toddler into bed with with me and turned on Barney (I know I know - it wasn't a stellar parenting day but I was SOOO tired!) and fell into a pseudo sleep (1 ear on the toddler), not waking til 8:20am which usually wouldn't be a problem, but it was a preschool day, and I had 40 minutes to get everyone up, cleaned, fed, clothed and out the door. PLUS they were having a halloween party, so I had to get her all dressed up AND make a fruit platter... whew!

ANYWAY, we made it. But..... usually when we get home, I pop baby back into bed and make myself breakfast and sometimes even exercise (in my house on a machine - I DONT go out for a walk... just making sure, as perhaps you were still questioning my parenting skills!).... however since he'd slept in, he was in no mood to sleep, and since it's rare I have time just with him, we hung out for a while... then I folded laundry, cleaned upstairs. and all of a sudden it was time to go and pick her up again.

So no breakfast. And no exercise. Which then got me all out of whack.. should I still have my breakfast (I eat the same one everyday)? Or should I just have lunch? blah blah blah ohhh the conundrums of stay at home mom :)

Anyway... although I realize I'm blabbing, I'm telling you all this because I'm proud of the fact that although I (obviously) get off track easily, I stayed on schedule for the rest of the day, which left me with 8 (breakfast) points to play with PLUS I walked 5k this evening, so I'm way below my daily points. Which is ok, cause I was a bit above for the last 2 days, so it all works out :)

OH and I managed to only eat 4 (there were 10) of the Halloween chocolate bars my daughter brought back from preschool... I blame the bars and the fact that they obviously have flashing neon lights with the words *eat me* eat me* eat me* all over them. DAMN those #$%^& chocolate bars.. hate 'em - HATE 'EM!!!! ok I love them. but damn them anyway :)

Here's a couple of pictures of Maya in her Snow White costume... I mean how cute is she?!!

Oh and thanks to all those who posted supportive comments to my Sunday post.... y'all are so great :)

Updated with yet another pic because...well, because I'm a proud Mommy :)

MORE ON THE @#$%^ FAT SUIT

OK, I'm at the risk here of seeming like I just steal ideas from other peoples' blogs, but once again I was struck by the truthfulness of someone else's thoughts, and had to post them here, because I feel they ring so true and could perhaps help someone who reads my blog. She wrote:

"I was telling her (sis-in-law) about a recent trip I'd taken back to Seattle to visit my family... Every time I saw someone that I hadn't seen for a long time, all I could think about was how fat I was. I was just positive that they were noticing my largeness and thinking about how much weight I had gained. And maybe I was right. But that's not the point. The point is that my weight was keeping me from enjoying the people that I love and the things that I love to do. We talked about it some more and then my sister in law put it this way...

"I can never really be with people, because I'm always with my fat. When I see someone I love, I'm not thinking about them, I'm thinking about my fat and what they're thinking about my fat. When I do something that's fun, I'm thinking about how fat I look doing it... When someone hugs me, I'm not really thinking about hugging them, I'm thinking about how it must feel for them to hug my fat." She talked about a few other ways that she feels held back by her weight, and finally she said...

"I don't want to be with my fat anymore! I want to be with people!"

Wow. This resonated so much with me that I actually had a physical reaction to it. And like I told her, I hope I can somehow harness how incensed I am (at myself for holding myself back) and use it to light a fire under my butt!!

Check out Diet Coke & Zingers - she's awesome (and I'm still waiting to know what's behind the name!)

To fat chicks everywhere - TAKE OFF THE FAT SUIT AND START FULLY LIVING YOUR LIFE!!!

Crazy Food Mind Games

OK - I was just writing a comment on someone else's blog and as I was writing it I felt like laughing hysterically (and not necessarily in a good way). I thought I'd post what I was writing (and more!) here for the world to see. My version of *dirty food laundry*

I'm a food hider... hate hate hate that I do it. I'm sure my husband sometimes wonders WHY I'm overweight cause it sure doesn't LOOK like I eat junk.. but I do/did - he just didn't see it - cause I'm a professional. I would buy chocolate or something and tell myself i was buying it to share. HA... like I'm fooling anyone as I hid it under the grapes... the only one I'd be fooling is myself, as I wouldn't say it out loud....wouldn't want to confuse the 2 1/2 year old who might ask for it later and I'd have to scramble to make up someting to explain why she thought I'd bought chocolate!

If I have it in the house, I panic and HAVE to eat it now so that it's gone. So that I can start *fresh* tomorrow... I give myself the old *this will be my LAST chocolate until i'm skinny* promise :P Such a ridiculous thing to do as I would inevitably just buy something else the next day anyway cause of course my sugar addiction would kick in and I'd conveniently forget the promise I made to myself the day before. I have great selective memory when it comes to food. Anyway, I just can NOT have it in the house. It (and it could be anything - as long as it's not healthy!) calls to me - I can't rest til I have it. Sounds like an addiction to me!!!

I just read this over and feel that I sound like a crazy woman. *SIGH* I do feel like that sometimes. I've tried to explain it to my husband and although he's as supportive as a husband can be, I know he just can't understand it. My mission in life is that my daughter doesn't learn this behavior from me (I know I learned at least some of it from my mom).

The only thing that makes me feel better is that I know from reading other people's blogs that I'm not the only crazy woman out there. I also know from those who HAVE been successful at losing their fat that this is a life-long battle and not something that I will one day wake up not thinking about. I just hope that maybe one day I'll be able to have a bag of cookies in the house for my kids and not lie awake at night hearing them call my name (or worse eat too many of them and have to replace what I ate so that no one knows - Ok cant believe I just shared THAT dirty secret!!).

Ok - I'm done revealing for today. There's lots more, and maybe it IS good to write it all down for the world to see. maybe?

gearing up...

... for our juice fast tomorrow... yikes! I'm actually quite excited about it, but Marius isn't... keeps moaning and groaning. I've been trying to figure out WHY I'm excited, and I think it's because I've felt so in *control* of my eating this week.... and waddaya know - I really enjoy it! Every single thing I've ever put into my mouth has been a choice... so essentially I accept that I have *chosen* to be fat. Most of the time I just feel so out of control of my eating and have such crazy cravings, that to feel at peace with that part of my life is unusual but wonderful. To choose not to eat anything is pretty huge (most people just look at us weird) but maybe (just maybe) this cleanse will help get my mind prepared for the next year of (hopefully) controlled eating. Maybe one day choosing to eat well won't be such a huge deal - hopefully it will be habit. And also, hopefully choosing to eat something not-so-great won't send me into a guilt-ridden tailspinned binge!!!!

We are planning to do some spring cleaning tomorrow (and napping when the kids are napping) so that we keep busy. We'll probably do said spring cleaning separately as I predict major crankiness :)