Frustrated with myself

So this will be quick, cause I promised 'Morning Leslie' I would go to bed at 10pm.. and it's already 10:01pm.

So I weigh in tomorrow. I have been *good* all week - tracking what I've eaten, gotten out almost everyday for a walk (although walking with 2 kids under 3 doesn't really quantify as cardio as I seem to be stopping every 2 minutes or someone who walks 1km/hour decides she doesn't want to be in the stroller anymore), but hey, I got out there. Anyway I DIGRESS - god I get off track quickly.

I'm especially proud as my husband has been away since Sunday morning and usually I have used this as an excuse to go shopping for comfort food and junk and have a good ol' binge... under the guise of buying salad fixins and low-fat yogurt of course. I then hide all the proof and pretend it never happened... but i digress AGAIN.... this week I didn't do this, in fact I made sure that we did our grocery shopping TOGETHER before he left so I couldn't rationalize going to the store. Yay me.

And then today happened. I just had the hardest time keeping my eating controlled. I know it's me sabotaging myself. The day before weigh-in. WHY WHY WHY do I do this?? Maybe it's because I put so much pressure on myself. I woke up this morning saying "today I will be perfect" because I want to see a bigger loss tomorrow so badly! It seriously feels like there's someone else controlling my mind. I've had arguments in my head ALL day and I'm just exhausted. And sad cause I gave in to the destructive self-talk. And so now I'm scared for tomorrow. I really feel the need to see a loss or I'm afraid I will feel defeated and I know I will want to comfort myself with food.

Maybe tomorrow I'll see this in a new light... I'm just so angry and disappointed in myself for allowing today to happen. I'm going to have to work on some strategies to deal with this "sabotage the day before weigh-in" mentality I seem to have. There's something inside me that's out to prove to myself that I CANT do it.

So much for being short and sweet - as usual, a novel. And now it's 10:12pm. BED!

The Red Bull Fairy.....

.....snuck into this baby boy's room this morning at 5:15am and woke him up... that HAS to be it. Why else would a 9 month old wake up 2 hours early and decide to practice *talking*. However cute his gibberish babbling and giggling was, I was NOT ready to get up that early. He woke up Maya (grrrrrr) and to top it off, the following laws of my universe were in effect:

1) I stayed up til 1am to watch a rerun of SNL. I didn't even enjoy it, just sat there watching it. Blah.
2) My husband left on a business trip this morning, and so I am left alone with the consequences of a tired cranky baby who's off schedule and a 2 1/2 year old who lost an hour's sleep and who is currently full of beans- jumping around me singing the same line of twinkle twinkle little star over and over again VERY loudly (although she sings 'fwinkle fwinkle wittle stawrr' so it's kinda cute. Kinda).

I can only hope that this means they'll both be down for long afternoon naps!

I find that it's these types of days, when our daily schedule gets off track, that I also get sidetracked with my eating. I usually eat at specific times (breakfast when Matthew goes down for his morning nap and lunch when both of the kids are down for their afternoon naps). When these nap times are changed, I find it hard to stick to my eating plan and find myself grabbing something here and there. Oh well, I know that I still have control over what I put in my mouth, so today I WILL stick to healthy eating, and will try my hardest to be a happy mommy today and not let my crankiness show!!

On a weight-loss note, I *feel* lighter today. Do any of you know what I mean? It's like I can tell that I lost a few fat cells. I am going to resist weighing myself and wait for tomorrow morning when I do my mid-week reality check. But I'm pretty sure I lost something. I love the feeling though... hmmm I wonder what losing a HUGE chunk of weight will *feel* like?!

Crazy Food Mind Games

OK - I was just writing a comment on someone else's blog and as I was writing it I felt like laughing hysterically (and not necessarily in a good way). I thought I'd post what I was writing (and more!) here for the world to see. My version of *dirty food laundry*

I'm a food hider... hate hate hate that I do it. I'm sure my husband sometimes wonders WHY I'm overweight cause it sure doesn't LOOK like I eat junk.. but I do/did - he just didn't see it - cause I'm a professional. I would buy chocolate or something and tell myself i was buying it to share. HA... like I'm fooling anyone as I hid it under the grapes... the only one I'd be fooling is myself, as I wouldn't say it out loud....wouldn't want to confuse the 2 1/2 year old who might ask for it later and I'd have to scramble to make up someting to explain why she thought I'd bought chocolate!

If I have it in the house, I panic and HAVE to eat it now so that it's gone. So that I can start *fresh* tomorrow... I give myself the old *this will be my LAST chocolate until i'm skinny* promise :P Such a ridiculous thing to do as I would inevitably just buy something else the next day anyway cause of course my sugar addiction would kick in and I'd conveniently forget the promise I made to myself the day before. I have great selective memory when it comes to food. Anyway, I just can NOT have it in the house. It (and it could be anything - as long as it's not healthy!) calls to me - I can't rest til I have it. Sounds like an addiction to me!!!

I just read this over and feel that I sound like a crazy woman. *SIGH* I do feel like that sometimes. I've tried to explain it to my husband and although he's as supportive as a husband can be, I know he just can't understand it. My mission in life is that my daughter doesn't learn this behavior from me (I know I learned at least some of it from my mom).

The only thing that makes me feel better is that I know from reading other people's blogs that I'm not the only crazy woman out there. I also know from those who HAVE been successful at losing their fat that this is a life-long battle and not something that I will one day wake up not thinking about. I just hope that maybe one day I'll be able to have a bag of cookies in the house for my kids and not lie awake at night hearing them call my name (or worse eat too many of them and have to replace what I ate so that no one knows - Ok cant believe I just shared THAT dirty secret!!).

Ok - I'm done revealing for today. There's lots more, and maybe it IS good to write it all down for the world to see. maybe?

Darn 100 calorie chocolate bars!

Ok, so I've come to the sad realization that I just cant have these in my house. Darn it anyway!! One of the things I was looking forward to on this program was being able to have chocolate as it's my downfall, and is how I've always *failed* at all my other attempts at eating well. So I bought a box of them with the plan of eating ONE A DAY as a treat. HA! I just cant seem to do it. I had one and it started a binge fest and I ended up eating them all. It was one of those 'I cant remember how much I ate or what it even tasted like' binges - unconscious eating - so needless and useless!

I am going to wait until I feel more of a momentum with my weight loss and feel a bit more in control before I buy these again. If I do want one, then I will get ONE when we go grocery shopping. One I can handle - obviously 6 I cant!!

Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who didn't like chocolate... imagine!!!!

Ways I sabotage myself

Here are some of the ways I sabotage my weight loss/health gain (I'm sure there are more - I came up with these one night as I was journalling):

• 'I'm going to start tomorrow, so I should pig out today (ie. it's my last chance to EVER eat junk!)'
• 'I screwed up so I should just pig out for the rest of the day'
• 'I was so good yesterday, I deserve to treat myself today'
• 'I lost weight last week even though I cheated, so obviously I can do this by cheating'
• 'I've had a hard day, so I deserve a treat'
• 'If I can't do it "perfectly" or "all the way", then just don't bother doing it at all (ie. I can't devote 20 m inutes to stretch, so it's not worth it)'
• Making unrealistic promises (like telling myself that I will NEVER eat a certain food) which perpetuates the cycle of lies, distrust and not believing in myself

I will examine and analyze each of these at another time - just writing them down is enlightening!