Mommy the bad blogger

Haha.... but seriously.. as usual when I'm feeling out of control of my eating, I ignore my blog. Which is pretty hard to do since I link to all my fellow bloggers FROM my blog and I usually go to each person's blog at least once a day. The funny thing about this, is that when I get to one of these blogs, I'm always disappointed if they haven't posted anything new!! Oh, the irony of it all :)

The good thing about this is that I am reminded daily (usualy twice!) that I need to buck up and get back on the wagon. Plus the fact that so many of you have the courage to blog through your bad moments, choices, days and sometimes weeks - and the fact that I enjoy reading these posts because I can so relate - has brought me back..... back once again to being accountable.

I made a major decision this week. I went to a Weight Watchers meeting. After 4 months of trying to do this on my own, and then 6 more months of doing WW online, I'm really no further along. And I'm wondering if one of the reasons for this is because it's too easy not to weigh myself when I'm feeling like I gained, and because there's really no consequence if I don't (except feeling like a failure, self-hatred, etc... you know, all THOSE wonderful feelings!).

I also had a fight with my husband over my whole weight *thing*. And it was only a fight because I made it into one, as when I get confronted about my bad habits, I like to get extremely defensive and go into blame mode or the *you dont understand* mode.... and we end of fighting. blah. This is totally NOT fair to my wonderful husband as he is SOOO supportive, but had gotten so frustrated watching me these past few weeks that he felt he had to say something (he knows where this usually leads, and so it takes guts to bring it up!). He knows how much my weight holds me back and how unhappy I am with myself and just wants me to be a happier healthier person. All he did was ask (gently) whether we should be spending money on all these weight loss foods and tools (like exercise equipment) when I'd spent the week eating halloween candy, eating out and not exercising - especially since we're down to one income again. Totally a valid question, but it sent me into a guilt-ridden tirade. Not fair to him and he was so upset and I cant imagine how frustrating it must be for someone who doesn't have one food issue (NOT ONE!) to understand why I struggle so, and I felt awful as he has not done anything except be supportive. I mean I asked him if we could not have pop in the house as it's a trigger food for me, and he gave up pop at home.... and then he finds the bag of little chocolate bars half empty! Totally not fair.

Anyway, since I dont seem to be able to hold myself accountable, I thought maybe if I was accountable to someone else's scale and if I had to PAY to stand on that scale, then maybe it will help. I dont know. I hope so. I've done meetings before, and I know this all starts and ends with me and my brain and until I make the necessary connections and decisions and more importantly put them into action, then I'll be wearing this fat coat forever. I know I CAN do this... I feel inspired and focused, and I've just taken another action to help propel me forward, so yay for small victories and here's to a good first week weigh-in! *clink*

Oh, and I thought this was funny.... as I sat in my meeting, I looked around and thought 'wow there are a lot of *older* women here.... I wish there were more people my age.. maybe someone I could become WW buddies with or something'... I felt a little let down, and then as I was walking home it struck me that I am pretty much the SAME age as those *older* women.... I am closing in on 40 after all!!! I obviously still think of myself as being in my early 30's... I'm just starting to understand the phrases: *young at heart* and *you're only as old as you feel*... guess I'll cozy on up to one of those *old* ladies next week and see if I can make a connection :)

Once upon a time a fat girl went curling.....

Last night I went curling!! I was asked by a friend of mine if I wanted to join a novice league on Sunday nights, and I agreed to try it out. Originally it was because he cornered me at a birthday party we were at on Saturday and was very convincing at how much fun it would be, and me, being someone who hates disappointing people, said yes. And then I spent the next 24 hours trying to figure out if I really DID want to go, or if I should try and blow it off.

I went. And I had a blast!!! I had never curled before, and didn't know what to expect, but I really loved it. I only knew one person (my friend) out of 24 people, which is always intimidating for me, but I sucked it up and was determined to have fun, or at least have fun learning a new sport. Plus, hey - it's activity, and I've been in dire need of that lately :)

On a fat-related note, my weight didn't factor into my decision to agree to go, in fact I didn't even think about being fat..... until I was driving to the rink. I was suddenly struck by the thought "What if I'm too fat to curl?" I mean I'd seen curlers on TV and when they were throwing the rock they were in this long lunge..... lunge?? I havent done anything close to a lunge in over 2 years! And all of a sudden, I was scared. What if I fell on the ice? (I didn't) ,What if I was the biggest person there? (I was), What if I couldn't do the lunge thing? (I could, although not as good as the chick in the picture!)...and wait, what about sweeping?? I recalled people running along with the rock sweeping agressively in front of it... oh god, what if I cant keep up with it?! (I did). And then I thought "well my friend wouldn't have asked me to play if he thought I was too fat would he??" hmmm.. maybe he hasn't noticed!!! haha.. I kid. But it's funny to me how much I project MY self-conscious fat thoughts into OTHER people's thoughts, when in reality I doubt he even gave it a thought. He likes me, knows I'm sociable, knows I like sports, and thought I'd be a good addition to the league. So thank you Russ.

It's amazing how much doubt crept into my thoughts about my ability and potential just because I'm fat. Until then, I hadn't even thought of these things, I had just thought 'I hope I have fun'.

I'm glad I didn't let my fear keep me from going as I would have missed out on a really fun opportunity, and I think I've found another sport that I love playing.... and I think I could be really good at it! Now I just hope I'll be able to climb stairs without wincing soon.... my thighs kill like an SOB - darn lunges :)

A completely different person

Who is this girl?? Well this is who I think I am... this girl reflects who I feel I am inside. I'm so used to seeing pictures of myself and wondering in disbelief who this fat woman is, that when I see a picture of myself where you can't really see my fat, I could stare at it for hours. Can anyone relate??

We took this picture while on our beach vacation in Eilat in the south of Israel 2 weeks ago... one of those self-shots (Marius is holding the camera). These are the only pictures I like of myself these days as if I angle my head right, you can hardly tell I'm fat. Anyway, I knew when we took this one, that this would be one of THOSE pictures... one that I can look admiringly at and say 'hey, I look pretty'. Rare.

Anyway, I've been absent from blogging. Got home from my vacation and had gained 2 pounds, which really is good, considering I was hardly ever on plan while I was away (didn't track, but tried to make healthy choices)... however, for whatever reason I went into a sort of tailspin for a week.... even had a junk food binge, which I haven't done in over 4 months now. Felt horrible, but of course in tailspin mode, it led to more bad choices over the next couple of days. I'm trying to be kind to myself as it was a tough week re-adjusting back to being home... kids took a while to get over the 10 hour time difference, I felt exhausted from the 20 hour trip, and I spent 4 days doing laundry and cleaning the house and being a single mommy again. Got sort of used to having hubby and grandparents around to help with the kids!! All that and I was blessed with the arrival of TOM.... when it rains, it pours, I tell ya!!

But enough of the excuses. I'm back.... out of the tailspin and in a better frame of mind. Hope to get back into the swing of things and start tracking and exercising again.

Waterslides anyone??!!

Today I disregarded my weight (would love to say 'forgot my weight', but that's pushing it!!) and went on all the water slides at the waterpark we went to today and had a blast. In doing so, I managed to overcome my fear of being told the following:

"Sorry, but you look like you exceed the weight limit on this slide" (dont know if slides HAVE weight limits, but I guess not since I'm sure I would have exceeded them. Regardless, as I stood in line to get on the slide, I had the thought that perhaps I would have to step on some giant scale before I sat (oh so gracefully of course) down on the top of the slide!! Thankfully there was no scale, and i just whooshed away :)

OR

"Sorry, but pregnant women cant go on the slides" (acckkkk I would have just died!!)

I also managed to get over the fear that I would generate a tsunami at the bottom of the slide and send the lifeguards splashing wildly out of their seats :) This of course is silly, but it entered my mind along with all the other fat-related thoughts, like: do fat people go faster on the slides? Felt like it :)

Today I didn't care that I was fat and just had fun with my family, and it was damn worth it!!! However, as usual, I long wait for the day when my weight has no bearing on what I do or how I feel about doing it.

Now I just have to make sure the video of me screaming like a crazy woman as I whipped down one of the slides doesn't make it onto Utube like my husband threatened... he's watched it at least 8 times, laughing hysterically :)

* UPDATED: video has now been watched countless times by all my inlaws and my husband's extended family. Since they only speak hebrew, I have no idea what they're saying after they finish laughing...I'm sure it's complimentary though, right?! ;)

More (hopefully) *before* pics!!

OK. So ONCE again inspired by a very good friend of mine (you know who you are)... I'm being brave enough to post a couple of recent pictures of myself. These are from our trip to our cottage in Ontario at the begining of the month..... keep in mind that I would NEVER EVER EVER post these anywhere else because I can hardly even look at them. After getting home and downloading them, and once again feeling complete shock over how I look, I immediately concluded that every single picture would be filed under "BEFORE PICTURES"!!! The only way I can accept that this is the way I really look is that I have the dream of being able to look back on them after I've lost weight and be able to feel proud of how FAR I've come!!









I think that this is the cutest picture ever of everyone else!!! If I could have set it up myself, I woulda sat further down on the rock and more towards my husband!!! SO ridiculous how all I can ever think about is hiding my weight!

UGH. Nothing else to say .... UGH













My wonderful, fantastic, handsome husband.... who loves me no matter what I weigh... I am so grateful to have him in my life (I have a full body shot of this, but cant bring myself to post it!).