October 28, 2007

Mommy the bad blogger

Haha.... but seriously.. as usual when I'm feeling out of control of my eating, I ignore my blog. Which is pretty hard to do since I link to all my fellow bloggers FROM my blog and I usually go to each person's blog at least once a day. The funny thing about this, is that when I get to one of these blogs, I'm always disappointed if they haven't posted anything new!! Oh, the irony of it all :)

The good thing about this is that I am reminded daily (usualy twice!) that I need to buck up and get back on the wagon. Plus the fact that so many of you have the courage to blog through your bad moments, choices, days and sometimes weeks - and the fact that I enjoy reading these posts because I can so relate - has brought me back..... back once again to being accountable.

I made a major decision this week. I went to a Weight Watchers meeting. After 4 months of trying to do this on my own, and then 6 more months of doing WW online, I'm really no further along. And I'm wondering if one of the reasons for this is because it's too easy not to weigh myself when I'm feeling like I gained, and because there's really no consequence if I don't (except feeling like a failure, self-hatred, etc... you know, all THOSE wonderful feelings!).

I also had a fight with my husband over my whole weight *thing*. And it was only a fight because I made it into one, as when I get confronted about my bad habits, I like to get extremely defensive and go into blame mode or the *you dont understand* mode.... and we end of fighting. blah. This is totally NOT fair to my wonderful husband as he is SOOO supportive, but had gotten so frustrated watching me these past few weeks that he felt he had to say something (he knows where this usually leads, and so it takes guts to bring it up!). He knows how much my weight holds me back and how unhappy I am with myself and just wants me to be a happier healthier person. All he did was ask (gently) whether we should be spending money on all these weight loss foods and tools (like exercise equipment) when I'd spent the week eating halloween candy, eating out and not exercising - especially since we're down to one income again. Totally a valid question, but it sent me into a guilt-ridden tirade. Not fair to him and he was so upset and I cant imagine how frustrating it must be for someone who doesn't have one food issue (NOT ONE!) to understand why I struggle so, and I felt awful as he has not done anything except be supportive. I mean I asked him if we could not have pop in the house as it's a trigger food for me, and he gave up pop at home.... and then he finds the bag of little chocolate bars half empty! Totally not fair.

Anyway, since I dont seem to be able to hold myself accountable, I thought maybe if I was accountable to someone else's scale and if I had to PAY to stand on that scale, then maybe it will help. I dont know. I hope so. I've done meetings before, and I know this all starts and ends with me and my brain and until I make the necessary connections and decisions and more importantly put them into action, then I'll be wearing this fat coat forever. I know I CAN do this... I feel inspired and focused, and I've just taken another action to help propel me forward, so yay for small victories and here's to a good first week weigh-in! *clink*

Oh, and I thought this was funny.... as I sat in my meeting, I looked around and thought 'wow there are a lot of *older* women here.... I wish there were more people my age.. maybe someone I could become WW buddies with or something'... I felt a little let down, and then as I was walking home it struck me that I am pretty much the SAME age as those *older* women.... I am closing in on 40 after all!!! I obviously still think of myself as being in my early 30's... I'm just starting to understand the phrases: *young at heart* and *you're only as old as you feel*... guess I'll cozy on up to one of those *old* ladies next week and see if I can make a connection :)


Dee said...

Hi Leslie. Great post. I can totally relate to everything you said, in fact, could have been my post ;)
I too have arguments with my very supportive partner, as I often feel he doesn't understand entirely what I go through. And I lose my temper quickly.
Good luck with the meetings, I hope they work for you and help you in your journey. Well done for what you have achieved so far!

Anonymous said...

I think it's great you've decided to go to WW meetings if that is what you need to keep you accountable.

You have to do whatever it is you have to do until you get into your own little groove. Do you have to go to meetings forever? Nope, just until you feel like you have the power, control and drive to wing it on your own.

It's one things I always try to tell people. If something isn't working for you then that doesn't mean you have to give up, it just means you have to change it. If doing it on your own isn't working then right on for you to take steps to change it and not give up!

Maddds said...

I can say from the experience of not going very much this summer and then going again in September I saw a huge difference in the weight I loss when I went. I went for 6 weeks consectutive and had 6 losses in a row!! So I think having to face that scale and pay for it, really do keep us in line and accountable!! Even a year into this journey I still need the accountability and I know it!!

Good for you going back to the meetings, it will really help!!


Scale Junkie said...

Accountability is so important. I think its great that you joined WW. I'm also glad you have a supportive hubby!

When I was a member of WW, the evening and Saturday morning meetings always had more young people. If you don't like the group at the meeting you are in, just try a few more until you find a mix of people you like. Being able to relate to your fellow dieters is a big part of the motivation.

You can do this!! We are all here to help encourage you to stay accountable.

Diet Coke and Zingers said...

Welcome back on the wagon... let's try to keep you here for awhile! I'm glad to see that you've set new goals and I really do think it will help for you to attend the meetings! Yay for dropping poundage!

Chubby Chick said...

Yippee! You posted! I've been checking on you every day, girl! lol

I'm glad you're back on track. I've had a horrible October myself, so I know exactly how you are feeling! But take heart... this is just a bump in the road... and you are already taking steps to get over it!

WW sounds like a great idea. The real, live support of people that you can actually "see" should really be inspirational! Good for you! :)

honib1 said...

been there and wrote the novel.. it is tough.. and I agree getting on somone elses scale and when u are paying for it it does help you be more accountable.. and you might enjoy the meetings too.. I think WW is a great program and its for the real world too.. have faith in yourself that you can do this.. keep the tempting stuff to a light little bit in your house.. you can do this.. a step at time.. and as cliche as that sounds .. it i very true.. one step at a time.. conquer one small step at a time..

Sonya said...

I go to meetings for that exact reason. I need that added accountability. I've tried online and on my own in the past and it didn't work for me either. HOWEVER, you know you can do this no matter what...you have lost 39.2lbs!!!!! WOWOWOWOWOW that is amazing!!! You can do this and maybe meetings is just what you need to keep your eye on the prize as you said.

I find meetings and blogging has been the two things that really have kept me going. So get your butt on here more often and blog everyday. Through good and bad. I am the girl that is disappointed when I don't see a new entry on your blog so you better do it darn it or I'll be coming after you! You can do this, we are all here for you.

noelle said...

I love going to my WW meetings. I have tried a few different ones until I found a leader I could relate to and other "losers" I felt like I could relate to.

So glad you are back on the wagon. It is so hard to just stay there sometimes. You can do this. It sounds like your hubby is way supportive...and you feed your kids really well.

Take the same care of yourself, mama. You are so worth it. You deserve to feel good about you...and chocolate is not ALWAYS the answer to that! *wink*