Mommy the bad blogger

Haha.... but seriously.. as usual when I'm feeling out of control of my eating, I ignore my blog. Which is pretty hard to do since I link to all my fellow bloggers FROM my blog and I usually go to each person's blog at least once a day. The funny thing about this, is that when I get to one of these blogs, I'm always disappointed if they haven't posted anything new!! Oh, the irony of it all :)

The good thing about this is that I am reminded daily (usualy twice!) that I need to buck up and get back on the wagon. Plus the fact that so many of you have the courage to blog through your bad moments, choices, days and sometimes weeks - and the fact that I enjoy reading these posts because I can so relate - has brought me back..... back once again to being accountable.

I made a major decision this week. I went to a Weight Watchers meeting. After 4 months of trying to do this on my own, and then 6 more months of doing WW online, I'm really no further along. And I'm wondering if one of the reasons for this is because it's too easy not to weigh myself when I'm feeling like I gained, and because there's really no consequence if I don't (except feeling like a failure, self-hatred, etc... you know, all THOSE wonderful feelings!).

I also had a fight with my husband over my whole weight *thing*. And it was only a fight because I made it into one, as when I get confronted about my bad habits, I like to get extremely defensive and go into blame mode or the *you dont understand* mode.... and we end of fighting. blah. This is totally NOT fair to my wonderful husband as he is SOOO supportive, but had gotten so frustrated watching me these past few weeks that he felt he had to say something (he knows where this usually leads, and so it takes guts to bring it up!). He knows how much my weight holds me back and how unhappy I am with myself and just wants me to be a happier healthier person. All he did was ask (gently) whether we should be spending money on all these weight loss foods and tools (like exercise equipment) when I'd spent the week eating halloween candy, eating out and not exercising - especially since we're down to one income again. Totally a valid question, but it sent me into a guilt-ridden tirade. Not fair to him and he was so upset and I cant imagine how frustrating it must be for someone who doesn't have one food issue (NOT ONE!) to understand why I struggle so, and I felt awful as he has not done anything except be supportive. I mean I asked him if we could not have pop in the house as it's a trigger food for me, and he gave up pop at home.... and then he finds the bag of little chocolate bars half empty! Totally not fair.

Anyway, since I dont seem to be able to hold myself accountable, I thought maybe if I was accountable to someone else's scale and if I had to PAY to stand on that scale, then maybe it will help. I dont know. I hope so. I've done meetings before, and I know this all starts and ends with me and my brain and until I make the necessary connections and decisions and more importantly put them into action, then I'll be wearing this fat coat forever. I know I CAN do this... I feel inspired and focused, and I've just taken another action to help propel me forward, so yay for small victories and here's to a good first week weigh-in! *clink*

Oh, and I thought this was funny.... as I sat in my meeting, I looked around and thought 'wow there are a lot of *older* women here.... I wish there were more people my age.. maybe someone I could become WW buddies with or something'... I felt a little let down, and then as I was walking home it struck me that I am pretty much the SAME age as those *older* women.... I am closing in on 40 after all!!! I obviously still think of myself as being in my early 30's... I'm just starting to understand the phrases: *young at heart* and *you're only as old as you feel*... guess I'll cozy on up to one of those *old* ladies next week and see if I can make a connection :)