The best reason of all

I've been thinking alot about my kids and how they relate to my weight loss. I know that ultimately I need to lose weight for ME, for my health, my happiness.... and that I will be a better, healthy and happier mommy because of it. As most moms do, I think about how I would cope if I ever lost either or both of them, and it's an image that can immediately bring me to tears. I know that people DO lose their kids and that life goes on, and I guess if it happened to me, my life would go on too. But I honestly don't know how I would ever be able to get out of bed again. Or how I'd ever not turn to food.

But that's not why I'm writing this post... I wanted to really reflect about about my kids losing ME. I'm very lucky that at my age (37), height (5'8") and weight (280), that I'm actually quite healthy. I walk a lot, blood pressure and cholestrol are fine, have had 2 very healthy pregnancies, have no problems with my legs, joints or feet, and I am able to play and run with my kids.... maybe this is why I forget sometimes how fat I really am. I consider myself a very lucky, healthy FAT person. HOWEVER, I also know that I am totally taking my health for granted, and that as I get older, my weight IS going to start affecting my overall health and it's going to create other weight-related issues if I don't turn things around now.

And it could KILL me. Prematurely. And I would leave my kids without a mother. And I wouldn't see them grow up and become wonderful human beings and find happiness, and maybe have kids of their own.

I know this. I REALLY REALLY understand the truth of this. And that's why I'm just astounded that it hasn't been a big enough motivation to stop my self-destructive habits. Why wouldn't my worst fear stop me dead in my tracks and make me NOT eat a freaking stupid mini chocolate bar? Or worse - 10 of them? Forget looking hot, wearing cute clothes, feeling sexy, confident and proud - all good reasons for losing weight - why isn't the thought of not being here for my kids enough??!! Why do I put food before THAT? Why do I choose food over being a full participant in their lives and over being IN their lives for a long time to come?

I know I'm not the only mom that feels this way. I know being fat doesn't make me a bad mom.... I know berating myself for being fat doesn't help anything but create a vicious circle, but I just can't believe that I am choosing - with every unhealthy choice - to take such a huge risk with my life and the lives of my kids.... and for what? For food?

I'm stronger than that - I know I am. I only have to look at my precious kids and feel their unconditional love to know that I'm worth far far more that this.

One of THOSE days!

Do you every have one of those days where you start the day and feel immediately off track?? Maybe it's because I prefer to be super organized and usually have my day planned out in my head..... ok ok, I can't lie.... I usually have a list :) Anyway, I digress... I was up a few times last night with a sick toddler and a teething baby and so when my son woke up at 6:40am, I decided to ignore his crying (I know - bad mommy) and see if he'd go back to sleep... this has never worked before, but miraculously it worked today!! I plunked my toddler into bed with with me and turned on Barney (I know I know - it wasn't a stellar parenting day but I was SOOO tired!) and fell into a pseudo sleep (1 ear on the toddler), not waking til 8:20am which usually wouldn't be a problem, but it was a preschool day, and I had 40 minutes to get everyone up, cleaned, fed, clothed and out the door. PLUS they were having a halloween party, so I had to get her all dressed up AND make a fruit platter... whew!

ANYWAY, we made it. But..... usually when we get home, I pop baby back into bed and make myself breakfast and sometimes even exercise (in my house on a machine - I DONT go out for a walk... just making sure, as perhaps you were still questioning my parenting skills!).... however since he'd slept in, he was in no mood to sleep, and since it's rare I have time just with him, we hung out for a while... then I folded laundry, cleaned upstairs. and all of a sudden it was time to go and pick her up again.

So no breakfast. And no exercise. Which then got me all out of whack.. should I still have my breakfast (I eat the same one everyday)? Or should I just have lunch? blah blah blah ohhh the conundrums of stay at home mom :)

Anyway... although I realize I'm blabbing, I'm telling you all this because I'm proud of the fact that although I (obviously) get off track easily, I stayed on schedule for the rest of the day, which left me with 8 (breakfast) points to play with PLUS I walked 5k this evening, so I'm way below my daily points. Which is ok, cause I was a bit above for the last 2 days, so it all works out :)

OH and I managed to only eat 4 (there were 10) of the Halloween chocolate bars my daughter brought back from preschool... I blame the bars and the fact that they obviously have flashing neon lights with the words *eat me* eat me* eat me* all over them. DAMN those #$%^& chocolate bars.. hate 'em - HATE 'EM!!!! ok I love them. but damn them anyway :)

Here's a couple of pictures of Maya in her Snow White costume... I mean how cute is she?!!

Oh and thanks to all those who posted supportive comments to my Sunday post.... y'all are so great :)

Updated with yet another pic because...well, because I'm a proud Mommy :)

Mommy the hypocrite

What's wrong with THIS picture:

BREAKFAST

2 1/2 year old:
cheerios, bran buds and mini wheats (with bran - no sugar) - she chooses this combo and loves it!
with:
1% milk
unsweetened dried cranberries
tsp bee pollen (a natural source of sweetness and energy)
tsp whey protein

1/2 cup blueberries

1 year old
cheerios (to keep him happy til I make the rest of his breakfast!)
1/2 cup blueberries
steel oat porridge mixed with pureed prunes, banana and apple

ME:
water

LUNCH

2 1/2 year old:
whole wheat pasta with flax oil and parmesan
half piece of whole wheat bread with almond butter
carrot sticks
yogurt (sweetened with fruit juice)
apple sauce

1 year old:
whole wheat pasta with flax oil and soy *parmesan* (has a dairy sensitivity)
half piece of whole wheat bread with almond butter
steamed cauliflower and brocolli (he eats this twice a day - loves it!!)
soy yogurt
1 kiwi
strawberries

ME:
bits and bites of kids' meals
piece of cheese
egg

I was out with a girlfriend for supper, so not sure what the kids ate for theirs, but since my husband follows my lead, I know it was healthy and balanced!!

It hit me today how much thought and energy I put into what my kids eat, but sadly I don't spend even 1/2 of that on myself. Now granted today was a bad day for eating (I usually eat a healthy breakfast and lunch), but it could easily be a typical one - and used to be. I know this is a trap a lot of moms fall into... making sure everyone else around them is getting what they need, and neglecting themselves. I'm sure it's why a lot of moms gain weight.... you spend all day on everyone else and then end up binging or just grabbing whatever's convenient when you have a moment to yourself. Today I just couldn't seem to find the time to sit and eat 2 healthy meals. This is a cop out though, as I did have time to both go on facebook and talk to a girlfriend for 15 minutes. Could have eaten instead of doing these 2 things... but anyway....just another example of where my priorities are and how I know that if I don't make eating healthy one of my top ones, then weight loss is just never going to happen.

Anyway, although I'm happy my kids are good eaters and like to eat the healthy food I give them, I know there will come a day when they will notice what and how I eat, and so far I'm not always setting a very good example!! Plus, my mom was overweight and I used to find the food she hid. I learned my exceptional food hiding skills from her and am terrified that I will pass on that and other bad habits to my kids. I do NOT want them to be overweight and live their lives always conscious of their size and it holding them back from being completely happy and living up to their potential.

Maybe I should just eat what they eat.... lots of fruits, veggies, fiber, whole wheat, lean protein, good fats, very little sugar.... hey, wait a minute, isn't that what Weight Watchers advocates?? hmmmmmm interesting.....The 'Eat What I Feed My Kids' Diet...... I'll write a book about it, be on Oprah, and become a millionaire.... yeah, that's it :)

The curse of the tummy bug

I know I haven't been a good blogger (tsk tsk on me), but I truly don't have much to blog about... weight and eating-wise anyway. Both of my kids have come down with tummy bugs or something and have been barfing since Saturday. Nothing more fun than being on vacation and cleaning up puke 3-4 times a day!! Especially when the inlaws have the tiniest washing machine ever made and no dryer. Thank god I brought tons of pjs with me, although last night I had to resort to dressing my 11 month old (son) in my 2 1/2 year old's pink shortie pjs. Was quite cute... except for the barf that led up to it.

My husband just took Matthew to the emergency room, because although he's still drinking and is active and in good spirits, he really hasn't eaten solids in 4 days and 5 days really is a long time to be barfing. I'm sure he's fine, but we want to make sure.

I seem to have a mild form of what they have, and feel a tad queazy, and without getting into the gory details, am not keeping anything *in*.... if you know what I mean :) Not a nice experience, but hey my waistbands feel looser! Isn't it sad that I feel a bit of gratitude for whatever's made a home in my tummy?? I think it is, but what can you do.

Hope everyone's healthy and barf-free.... will post later with hopefully something more uplifting!!

The Red Bull Fairy.....

.....snuck into this baby boy's room this morning at 5:15am and woke him up... that HAS to be it. Why else would a 9 month old wake up 2 hours early and decide to practice *talking*. However cute his gibberish babbling and giggling was, I was NOT ready to get up that early. He woke up Maya (grrrrrr) and to top it off, the following laws of my universe were in effect:

1) I stayed up til 1am to watch a rerun of SNL. I didn't even enjoy it, just sat there watching it. Blah.
2) My husband left on a business trip this morning, and so I am left alone with the consequences of a tired cranky baby who's off schedule and a 2 1/2 year old who lost an hour's sleep and who is currently full of beans- jumping around me singing the same line of twinkle twinkle little star over and over again VERY loudly (although she sings 'fwinkle fwinkle wittle stawrr' so it's kinda cute. Kinda).

I can only hope that this means they'll both be down for long afternoon naps!

I find that it's these types of days, when our daily schedule gets off track, that I also get sidetracked with my eating. I usually eat at specific times (breakfast when Matthew goes down for his morning nap and lunch when both of the kids are down for their afternoon naps). When these nap times are changed, I find it hard to stick to my eating plan and find myself grabbing something here and there. Oh well, I know that I still have control over what I put in my mouth, so today I WILL stick to healthy eating, and will try my hardest to be a happy mommy today and not let my crankiness show!!

On a weight-loss note, I *feel* lighter today. Do any of you know what I mean? It's like I can tell that I lost a few fat cells. I am going to resist weighing myself and wait for tomorrow morning when I do my mid-week reality check. But I'm pretty sure I lost something. I love the feeling though... hmmm I wonder what losing a HUGE chunk of weight will *feel* like?!

"Thank you very much mommy"

I never knew how much my heart would swell upon hearing these words from my daughter.... I just don't know if she can get any sweeter! It's important to me that my kids are polite, but she does go a bit overboard sometimes... today she thanked me for going upstairs to get her brother ...I guess she was thankful the crying was going to end! Anyway, I'm just so proud of her and her good Canadian manners :)

On the cleanse front, today was a hard day.... could have easily have said 'screw it' and gone out for a burger or eaten all the chocolate we have on hand to reward Maya for going pee on the potty. That chocolate (smarties and mini-eggs) is sitting on the top of the fridge and usually I would have eaten it already and then probably gone out to replace it so that no one would know... however up until today I could even forget it was there. Thankfully I was able to get through the urge to eat everything in sight and stuck to the *plan*. We're gearing up for our juice fast on Sunday - I wonder how hard THAT will be?!....