Mommy the hypocrite

What's wrong with THIS picture:

BREAKFAST

2 1/2 year old:
cheerios, bran buds and mini wheats (with bran - no sugar) - she chooses this combo and loves it!
with:
1% milk
unsweetened dried cranberries
tsp bee pollen (a natural source of sweetness and energy)
tsp whey protein

1/2 cup blueberries

1 year old
cheerios (to keep him happy til I make the rest of his breakfast!)
1/2 cup blueberries
steel oat porridge mixed with pureed prunes, banana and apple

ME:
water

LUNCH

2 1/2 year old:
whole wheat pasta with flax oil and parmesan
half piece of whole wheat bread with almond butter
carrot sticks
yogurt (sweetened with fruit juice)
apple sauce

1 year old:
whole wheat pasta with flax oil and soy *parmesan* (has a dairy sensitivity)
half piece of whole wheat bread with almond butter
steamed cauliflower and brocolli (he eats this twice a day - loves it!!)
soy yogurt
1 kiwi
strawberries

ME:
bits and bites of kids' meals
piece of cheese
egg

I was out with a girlfriend for supper, so not sure what the kids ate for theirs, but since my husband follows my lead, I know it was healthy and balanced!!

It hit me today how much thought and energy I put into what my kids eat, but sadly I don't spend even 1/2 of that on myself. Now granted today was a bad day for eating (I usually eat a healthy breakfast and lunch), but it could easily be a typical one - and used to be. I know this is a trap a lot of moms fall into... making sure everyone else around them is getting what they need, and neglecting themselves. I'm sure it's why a lot of moms gain weight.... you spend all day on everyone else and then end up binging or just grabbing whatever's convenient when you have a moment to yourself. Today I just couldn't seem to find the time to sit and eat 2 healthy meals. This is a cop out though, as I did have time to both go on facebook and talk to a girlfriend for 15 minutes. Could have eaten instead of doing these 2 things... but anyway....just another example of where my priorities are and how I know that if I don't make eating healthy one of my top ones, then weight loss is just never going to happen.

Anyway, although I'm happy my kids are good eaters and like to eat the healthy food I give them, I know there will come a day when they will notice what and how I eat, and so far I'm not always setting a very good example!! Plus, my mom was overweight and I used to find the food she hid. I learned my exceptional food hiding skills from her and am terrified that I will pass on that and other bad habits to my kids. I do NOT want them to be overweight and live their lives always conscious of their size and it holding them back from being completely happy and living up to their potential.

Maybe I should just eat what they eat.... lots of fruits, veggies, fiber, whole wheat, lean protein, good fats, very little sugar.... hey, wait a minute, isn't that what Weight Watchers advocates?? hmmmmmm interesting.....The 'Eat What I Feed My Kids' Diet...... I'll write a book about it, be on Oprah, and become a millionaire.... yeah, that's it :)

Yet ANOTHER reason to hate being fat!

So I got my hair done today. It was the 3rd time in 5 months. Before that it had been a year since I'd gotten it cut (luckily with long curly hair you can do that - sort of)! I decided back in February that getting my hair cut was a way to start taking care of myself and treat myself to a bit of pampering (GASP - imagine!).

So I LOVE LOVE LOVE my hairdresser. She is the first person that I have gone back to in MY LIFE for a repeat cut. I LOVE my hair these days and love going in to see her. She spends almost 2 hours on me and I come out feeling all swingy and sexy. Plus, she always straightens my hair, and if you have curly hair, you know how exciting that is!

HOWEVER..... I HATE sitting in front of that mirror looking at my face. It happens every time... I get my hair washed and sit down on that hydrolic chair (more on that in a minute), look up and BAM! I'm stunned at how I look. Hair wet and slicked back, the rolls that appear because I'm sitting (I mean, how often do you look at yourself in a mirror when you're sitting? Shocking - that's all I can say) and I just FEEL HUGE. And then I see the cape.... ahhhh the lovely 'fat-hiding' cape. Once that's on, I can almost pretend that there's a thin person under there. Except that I have no neck and my face still looks fat... but still - if it wasn't for the cape, I don't know that I could sit there making small talk.

And then she starts to pump the chair to raise me up. Does anyone else ever feel fear and trepidation when that chair starts rising? I'm sitting there wondering what the weight limit is on those hydrolics and how humiliating it would be if the poor things just couldn't take it. How everyone would hear the sad hissing noise they'd make as they slowly gave up and I slowly sunk down to the floor. There are no words.

I CANT WAIT to not think these ridiculous energy-robbing thoughts anymore. I imagine that when my weight is not such a big issue, that I may be able to just sit there and enjoy the hair cut (again, GASP!).

I won't even talk about catching myself in the windows/mirrors as I bounced out of the mall. I chose to avert my eyes to my hair and capitalize on the *straight sexy hair moment*. I'm glad I did, because I stepped out into torrential downpour. Bye bye sexy straight hair - guess it's time to go back to being a pony-tailed mommy :)

PS: Hair is already starting to curl in this picture
PPS: ** Picture Taking Tip: Take picture from above.... and voila - 50 pounds lighter :) **

WEEK 3 RESULTS!

I stayed the same!! YAY!!! How exciting and inspiring!!! pfffftttt Can you sense my sarcasm?? Oh well, shake it off *shake shake shake*. My RESULTS match my effort and commitment this week, as they should. Hardly any exercise and 2 dinner dates with girlfriends where I went *all out*. I'm lucky I didn't gain!

This is an area where I consistently trip myself up. Going out to restaurants. I have that *I'm at a restaurant, and I need to indulge myself* mentality. Realize that I have always had it - maybe cause we never got to go to restaurants much when I was a kid and it was always such a *treat* when we did?? Regardless of why I do it I have to be accountable to the fact that only I have control over what I eat, and that even though I went in with a carefully thought out strategy of what I was going to eat, the fact that it all went to hell as soon as I saw the menu (and the other girls started debating on whether to get hot spinach/artichoke dip or the chicken wings to start - damn them anyway!!!), can only be blamed on myself. I have to get over this mentality that just because I'm paying for the food, doesn't mean I have to treat myself. I mean I pay for the food I eat at home too!! And there are always healthy choices that taste as good as the nachos. Ok, who am I kidding.. it's rare a green salad tastes as good as nachos (or FEELS as good as nachos :P), but the bottom line is that I HAVE to change how I behave when eating out if I want to be successfull at losing weight. PERIOD. Otherwise I'm going to have to just abstain from going out til I lose the weight.. which is ridiculous - I have to be able to do this while living my life and having fun. How else will I learn to sustain it?

Anyway, blah blah blah. I'm not going to beat myself up over not losing, however disappointed I feel. I'm not a failure - I'm not a bad person - I don't *deserve* to binge because I feel badly. It's just an accurate result of my actions. Which I was in total control of. Learn from it!!!

I read an article a while back about people who had been successful at losing weight and it said that one of the reasons these people were successful was because when they faltered or made a *bad* food decision, they did not give themselves permission to throw the whole day away and stuff themselves, but immediately moved on - ready to make a good decision the next time they ate. This really resonated with me, as I definitely have the *I've already failed, so the day is shot - let's eat!* mentality. But if I could lose that and take that one decision for what it is - ONE BAD DECISION - and just move on to make better decisions for the rest of that day, I think I could definitely be successful. I think this journey will be all about the THOUSANDS of decisions I will have to make. I have to acknowledge that every decision is an opportunity to either propel myself forward or push myself back. I think it scares me that I have so much control!!!

My mission this week is to stay on plan. I did it my first week and I was successful so I know that it can be done and that I am capable of doing it. One decision, one day at a time!

MIDNIGHT SELF-REFLECTIONS!

I felt compelled to write this tonight at 12:50AM... a completely ridiculous time since I told M he could sleep in tomorrow - which means I'll be up with the kids at 7am LATEST. I'm such a night owl - I get a second wind around 11pm and all of a sudden lil miss lazy feels the need to tidy, clean, read blogs, and watch inane sitcom reruns. Morning Leslie HATES night Leslie. hates her.

Oh well, the reason I felt compelled to write is because I opened my blog tonight and looked at the ticker I placed at the top of my last post. As I read it left to right as any normal english speaking person would (i say this because you read right to left in Hebrew which is just craziness) I first see *41 pounds lost* and I think WOOHOO!!!! But then as I read further it says *119 to go* and the woohoo quickly loses its ooomph. That ticker just seems so smug and taunting and it just seems so impossible - that's a lot of weight girlfriend!

Which brings me to a related topic...I'm always so incredulous when I hear that someone wants to lose 20 or 30 pounds and is lamenting at how hard that is, and all I can think of is that I need to lose that in just my left butt cheek.. I would sell said left butt cheek to only have to lose 20 or 30 pounds. I'm not saying it's not a lot of weight to lose for that person, but it seems so piddly compared to my huge amount. I can't even imagine how I will feel to see the balance tip on the side of amount lost... I will have had to have lost 80 pounds or something (I'm not willing to do the math at this hour). *SIGH* seems so insurmountable. However, thanks to WW and all the gals out there blogging their weight loss, I know it IS possible, and so I pledge to keep plugging away. One day I will be able to celebrate with my smokin' 40-pound less butt - that's both cheeks :) - on our weight loss.

Ok time to sleep - at least it's M's turn to get up with the baby for his feeding tonight! OK OK, morning leslie - I'M GOING!!!

WW here I come!

So I finally caved and actually joined weight watchers online... i've been thinking that i could do it on my own using their guidelines (i've been a member a couple of times before both online and meetings) but also following guidelines I've gleaned from all the other *diets* I've tried. Either because they are a healthy nutritional additions or because they've helped me lose weight in the past.

Anyway, I spontaneously joined last Thursday when I weighed in a whopping 285 pounds. Couldn't believe it - had regained at least 7 pounds over the past month, and I just HAD IT. Thought I'd commit to the WW program whole heartedly for 3 months (that's what I joined up for) and if it doesn't work, then I'll try something else. What I think will work nicely is that it allows me to eat whatever I want as long as i am accountable for it in points (I'm doing flex). The problem I have with the weight loss program I had set up for myself is that it pretty much totally eliminated sugar from my diet. Although this strategy works VERY well for me - if I follow it, I lose weight quickly - it also means that if I eat any sort of sugar, I automatically consider myself a failure and give myself permission to eat whatever I want until I start fresh next week. That is the epitome of 'self-sabotaging' and I'm a pro!! The other way I sabotage myself is setting up unreal expectations and insist on following my program PERFECTLY.... both of which I ultimately am unable to meet, and when I don't, I am considered a failure, and go to my friend *FOOD* for comfort. The cycle is exhausting and so self-defeating (and self-fulfilling!). At least with WW I can eat sugar and anything else I want to as long as I count it. Perhaps down the line once I get my eating under control I will be able to incorporate the 'no sugar' concept and some of the other quite limiting restrictions that I wish I could do now.... mostly because they mean a healthier way of eating.

So, I digress. Today is my 5th day on WW. I picked Thursday mornings for my official weigh in as it takes away the pressure of weighing in on a Monday right after the weekend, and then I'm also weighing on Monday mornings just to check in and see if I'm on the right track. As of today, my 5th day, I weigh 280. I expected a rather larger loss in this first week as I can tell I've significantly lowered my calorie intake, so this is in line with what I thought I'd see. Hopefully it sticks and I'll see at least one more pound lost on Thursday's weigh-in. I expect to see smaller losses on subsequent weeks, however, it's nice to see that WW really does work!!!!!

My other VERY SCARY part of my new commitment is that I am going to get my husband to weigh me on Thursdays. I hope this will keep me feeling more accountable to stay onplan - sort of like going to a meeting! It's a very hard thing for me to do... at least at the onset because I'm just so embarrassed about the number. However, he already knows how much I weigh (THAT was one of the hardest *secrets* I've ever told!!!), so I know I should just get over it!!

Here's hoping to see the 170's on Thursday!