November 1, 2007

The best reason of all

I've been thinking alot about my kids and how they relate to my weight loss. I know that ultimately I need to lose weight for ME, for my health, my happiness.... and that I will be a better, healthy and happier mommy because of it. As most moms do, I think about how I would cope if I ever lost either or both of them, and it's an image that can immediately bring me to tears. I know that people DO lose their kids and that life goes on, and I guess if it happened to me, my life would go on too. But I honestly don't know how I would ever be able to get out of bed again. Or how I'd ever not turn to food.

But that's not why I'm writing this post... I wanted to really reflect about about my kids losing ME. I'm very lucky that at my age (37), height (5'8") and weight (280), that I'm actually quite healthy. I walk a lot, blood pressure and cholestrol are fine, have had 2 very healthy pregnancies, have no problems with my legs, joints or feet, and I am able to play and run with my kids.... maybe this is why I forget sometimes how fat I really am. I consider myself a very lucky, healthy FAT person. HOWEVER, I also know that I am totally taking my health for granted, and that as I get older, my weight IS going to start affecting my overall health and it's going to create other weight-related issues if I don't turn things around now.

And it could KILL me. Prematurely. And I would leave my kids without a mother. And I wouldn't see them grow up and become wonderful human beings and find happiness, and maybe have kids of their own.

I know this. I REALLY REALLY understand the truth of this. And that's why I'm just astounded that it hasn't been a big enough motivation to stop my self-destructive habits. Why wouldn't my worst fear stop me dead in my tracks and make me NOT eat a freaking stupid mini chocolate bar? Or worse - 10 of them? Forget looking hot, wearing cute clothes, feeling sexy, confident and proud - all good reasons for losing weight - why isn't the thought of not being here for my kids enough??!! Why do I put food before THAT? Why do I choose food over being a full participant in their lives and over being IN their lives for a long time to come?

I know I'm not the only mom that feels this way. I know being fat doesn't make me a bad mom.... I know berating myself for being fat doesn't help anything but create a vicious circle, but I just can't believe that I am choosing - with every unhealthy choice - to take such a huge risk with my life and the lives of my kids.... and for what? For food?

I'm stronger than that - I know I am. I only have to look at my precious kids and feel their unconditional love to know that I'm worth far far more that this.


honib1 said...

beautiful pictures of your kids... I think.. the reason we all turn to food.. people with kids.. people with out kids... its because it is easy, legal .. and most of the time.. no on frowns on it.. even if you do have weight to lose.. food is a far different entity than drugs or alcohol.. u have to have food to live.. so food does not get the rep the other addictive substances do.. we turn to food before other things because it is easy.. and most of the time a thoughtless process..

Diet Coke and Zingers said...

Yup, pretty much those babies ARE adorable, to put in mildly.

I love that you're putting your thoughts about weight loss and your health out there in writing... The more you do it, the sooner you'll figure yourself out and get your body where you want it!

Scale Junkie said...

Adorable kids and love the autumn leaves!

I agree with Honi, kids or no kids, so many of us use and abuse food. You do have a great reason to want to lose the weight but ultimately, it has to be that you are losing it for you. You are priceless to your children and family (and to all of us) but I know that sometimes, knowing all of that, still isn't enough. I wish I had the answers and knew why but I guess thats something we can all learn together along the way.