August 23, 2007

Falling off the wagon hurts......

.....especially when the wagon backs up and rolls back and forth on you!

As you can see I am NOT posting my weigh in today. I just cant bring myself to weigh myself. Maybe I will later today. Really silly, as the whole point of this journey is to accept myself, triumphs and disappointments, and all. But I'm afraid if I see that number I just wont be able to get my oomph back.

*SIGH*... why is this so hard? correction, why do I make it so hard?? Why can't I follow through on this thing I want to achieve so badly sometimes I think I would do ANYTHING to achieve it?!! I'm the ONLY thing/person standing in the way of my success, and I just cant seem to get out of the way.

I had a cathartic cry last night because my weight is affecting so much of my life and preventing me from fully living it. My husbands feels it and wants me to be so much more happier, my kids don't feel too much effect from it yet, but soon will when it's obvious I'm not participating fully in their lives.... ie "why isn't mommy coming on the waterslides with us?" (**shudder at the image**) kind of stuff. I SOOOO wanted to have lost SOME weight before leaving for our trip to Israel to visit hubby's family. We leave in 2 weeks and we're going to be going to a resort for 5 days while we're there, and I'm now just dreading it instead of feeling excited about it because of this great big stupid fat coat I'm wearing.

I'm not sure how to get myself back ON the wagon again. I think the first step is just to stop making promises to myself. I don't believe myself anyway, so it's pretty much pointless!! I have to somehow prove to myself that I CAN do it, so that I can start believing in myself.

Anyway, BLAH. I'm sorry for my absence... I've been reading all your blogs this past week and just couldn't get motivated enough to blog myself. Actually, let's be honest - it's because I feel so embarrassed at how I've slipped. You're all extremely motivating, however, all you chickies who have unlocked your own secrets to success.... how I envy you!!!!

So I am recommitting. Sounds like I'm on my way to an insane asylum or something... which sadly feels quite appropriate - what's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If my name was in the dictionary, I think this would be my definition!

Thanks Becks - for the big kick in the ass... I deserved and needed it :)

Ciao bellas ;)


Sonya (Ms.Wantab) said...

OH I've sooo been where you are right now. MANY, MANY times. I know it's the worse feeling in the world to feel out of control of your own actions. It hurts, it makes you cry, and even more frustrated at yourself. Know, that you are not alone. Just because I'm on the wagon now, does not mean I will stay on all the time. I know this now. It's just a matter of hoping back on. For me, I find if I can just get through day one of being back on the wagon, day two is sooo much easier. Day one is HARD, but if I literally stay busy, and take it minute by minute, second by second, I can hold on and make it.

You are very strong for being honest with yourself and for coming on and blogging your thoughts. Good for you! Next step, is to step on the scale when you are ready, see the number and realize you can change the sucker!

Dee said...

I am EXACTLY where you are right now. I've been horrible to my body over the last few weeks and have really gone backwards as a result. I finally had to step on the scale, face up to the number and carry on, which was a good thing because seeing that number on the scale was like a slap in the face! I finally feel like I'm getting my mojo back!

As for your comments on my blog, it's SO funny because whenever I see someone else who's starting weight was close to mine I feel like I've found a kindred spirit! So, not only did we both start at the same mark....we're both struggling to get back on the wagon. Let's support each other my new friend!