have you seen my mommy?!

I felt I had to post a picture of my little cowboy too... after all he helps make up the main reason for wanting to lose weight.... who wouldn't want to be a thin cool mom who is able to participate FULLY in the lives of these 2 kidlets?!!

As you can probably see, I've cropped myself out of this picture as I wanted to post it on Facebook. In my mind it was the CUTEST picture, as we were dressed exactly alike (I borrowed my husband's shirt in the exact fabric - an XL by the way, and it SOOO didn't fit me). Hate when I have an image of what I think a picture is going to look like, and then I see it, and think - goddamnit I'm fat!.... pppffffttt.....trust me, the picture's cuter like this - although you'll notice I wasn't able to crop out the one ginormous boob! :)

PS: STILL hating those $%^& chocolate bars!

One of THOSE days!

Do you every have one of those days where you start the day and feel immediately off track?? Maybe it's because I prefer to be super organized and usually have my day planned out in my head..... ok ok, I can't lie.... I usually have a list :) Anyway, I digress... I was up a few times last night with a sick toddler and a teething baby and so when my son woke up at 6:40am, I decided to ignore his crying (I know - bad mommy) and see if he'd go back to sleep... this has never worked before, but miraculously it worked today!! I plunked my toddler into bed with with me and turned on Barney (I know I know - it wasn't a stellar parenting day but I was SOOO tired!) and fell into a pseudo sleep (1 ear on the toddler), not waking til 8:20am which usually wouldn't be a problem, but it was a preschool day, and I had 40 minutes to get everyone up, cleaned, fed, clothed and out the door. PLUS they were having a halloween party, so I had to get her all dressed up AND make a fruit platter... whew!

ANYWAY, we made it. But..... usually when we get home, I pop baby back into bed and make myself breakfast and sometimes even exercise (in my house on a machine - I DONT go out for a walk... just making sure, as perhaps you were still questioning my parenting skills!).... however since he'd slept in, he was in no mood to sleep, and since it's rare I have time just with him, we hung out for a while... then I folded laundry, cleaned upstairs. and all of a sudden it was time to go and pick her up again.

So no breakfast. And no exercise. Which then got me all out of whack.. should I still have my breakfast (I eat the same one everyday)? Or should I just have lunch? blah blah blah ohhh the conundrums of stay at home mom :)

Anyway... although I realize I'm blabbing, I'm telling you all this because I'm proud of the fact that although I (obviously) get off track easily, I stayed on schedule for the rest of the day, which left me with 8 (breakfast) points to play with PLUS I walked 5k this evening, so I'm way below my daily points. Which is ok, cause I was a bit above for the last 2 days, so it all works out :)

OH and I managed to only eat 4 (there were 10) of the Halloween chocolate bars my daughter brought back from preschool... I blame the bars and the fact that they obviously have flashing neon lights with the words *eat me* eat me* eat me* all over them. DAMN those #$%^& chocolate bars.. hate 'em - HATE 'EM!!!! ok I love them. but damn them anyway :)

Here's a couple of pictures of Maya in her Snow White costume... I mean how cute is she?!!

Oh and thanks to all those who posted supportive comments to my Sunday post.... y'all are so great :)

Updated with yet another pic because...well, because I'm a proud Mommy :)

Mommy the bad blogger

Haha.... but seriously.. as usual when I'm feeling out of control of my eating, I ignore my blog. Which is pretty hard to do since I link to all my fellow bloggers FROM my blog and I usually go to each person's blog at least once a day. The funny thing about this, is that when I get to one of these blogs, I'm always disappointed if they haven't posted anything new!! Oh, the irony of it all :)

The good thing about this is that I am reminded daily (usualy twice!) that I need to buck up and get back on the wagon. Plus the fact that so many of you have the courage to blog through your bad moments, choices, days and sometimes weeks - and the fact that I enjoy reading these posts because I can so relate - has brought me back..... back once again to being accountable.

I made a major decision this week. I went to a Weight Watchers meeting. After 4 months of trying to do this on my own, and then 6 more months of doing WW online, I'm really no further along. And I'm wondering if one of the reasons for this is because it's too easy not to weigh myself when I'm feeling like I gained, and because there's really no consequence if I don't (except feeling like a failure, self-hatred, etc... you know, all THOSE wonderful feelings!).

I also had a fight with my husband over my whole weight *thing*. And it was only a fight because I made it into one, as when I get confronted about my bad habits, I like to get extremely defensive and go into blame mode or the *you dont understand* mode.... and we end of fighting. blah. This is totally NOT fair to my wonderful husband as he is SOOO supportive, but had gotten so frustrated watching me these past few weeks that he felt he had to say something (he knows where this usually leads, and so it takes guts to bring it up!). He knows how much my weight holds me back and how unhappy I am with myself and just wants me to be a happier healthier person. All he did was ask (gently) whether we should be spending money on all these weight loss foods and tools (like exercise equipment) when I'd spent the week eating halloween candy, eating out and not exercising - especially since we're down to one income again. Totally a valid question, but it sent me into a guilt-ridden tirade. Not fair to him and he was so upset and I cant imagine how frustrating it must be for someone who doesn't have one food issue (NOT ONE!) to understand why I struggle so, and I felt awful as he has not done anything except be supportive. I mean I asked him if we could not have pop in the house as it's a trigger food for me, and he gave up pop at home.... and then he finds the bag of little chocolate bars half empty! Totally not fair.

Anyway, since I dont seem to be able to hold myself accountable, I thought maybe if I was accountable to someone else's scale and if I had to PAY to stand on that scale, then maybe it will help. I dont know. I hope so. I've done meetings before, and I know this all starts and ends with me and my brain and until I make the necessary connections and decisions and more importantly put them into action, then I'll be wearing this fat coat forever. I know I CAN do this... I feel inspired and focused, and I've just taken another action to help propel me forward, so yay for small victories and here's to a good first week weigh-in! *clink*

Oh, and I thought this was funny.... as I sat in my meeting, I looked around and thought 'wow there are a lot of *older* women here.... I wish there were more people my age.. maybe someone I could become WW buddies with or something'... I felt a little let down, and then as I was walking home it struck me that I am pretty much the SAME age as those *older* women.... I am closing in on 40 after all!!! I obviously still think of myself as being in my early 30's... I'm just starting to understand the phrases: *young at heart* and *you're only as old as you feel*... guess I'll cozy on up to one of those *old* ladies next week and see if I can make a connection :)

Mommy the hypocrite

What's wrong with THIS picture:

BREAKFAST

2 1/2 year old:
cheerios, bran buds and mini wheats (with bran - no sugar) - she chooses this combo and loves it!
with:
1% milk
unsweetened dried cranberries
tsp bee pollen (a natural source of sweetness and energy)
tsp whey protein

1/2 cup blueberries

1 year old
cheerios (to keep him happy til I make the rest of his breakfast!)
1/2 cup blueberries
steel oat porridge mixed with pureed prunes, banana and apple

ME:
water

LUNCH

2 1/2 year old:
whole wheat pasta with flax oil and parmesan
half piece of whole wheat bread with almond butter
carrot sticks
yogurt (sweetened with fruit juice)
apple sauce

1 year old:
whole wheat pasta with flax oil and soy *parmesan* (has a dairy sensitivity)
half piece of whole wheat bread with almond butter
steamed cauliflower and brocolli (he eats this twice a day - loves it!!)
soy yogurt
1 kiwi
strawberries

ME:
bits and bites of kids' meals
piece of cheese
egg

I was out with a girlfriend for supper, so not sure what the kids ate for theirs, but since my husband follows my lead, I know it was healthy and balanced!!

It hit me today how much thought and energy I put into what my kids eat, but sadly I don't spend even 1/2 of that on myself. Now granted today was a bad day for eating (I usually eat a healthy breakfast and lunch), but it could easily be a typical one - and used to be. I know this is a trap a lot of moms fall into... making sure everyone else around them is getting what they need, and neglecting themselves. I'm sure it's why a lot of moms gain weight.... you spend all day on everyone else and then end up binging or just grabbing whatever's convenient when you have a moment to yourself. Today I just couldn't seem to find the time to sit and eat 2 healthy meals. This is a cop out though, as I did have time to both go on facebook and talk to a girlfriend for 15 minutes. Could have eaten instead of doing these 2 things... but anyway....just another example of where my priorities are and how I know that if I don't make eating healthy one of my top ones, then weight loss is just never going to happen.

Anyway, although I'm happy my kids are good eaters and like to eat the healthy food I give them, I know there will come a day when they will notice what and how I eat, and so far I'm not always setting a very good example!! Plus, my mom was overweight and I used to find the food she hid. I learned my exceptional food hiding skills from her and am terrified that I will pass on that and other bad habits to my kids. I do NOT want them to be overweight and live their lives always conscious of their size and it holding them back from being completely happy and living up to their potential.

Maybe I should just eat what they eat.... lots of fruits, veggies, fiber, whole wheat, lean protein, good fats, very little sugar.... hey, wait a minute, isn't that what Weight Watchers advocates?? hmmmmmm interesting.....The 'Eat What I Feed My Kids' Diet...... I'll write a book about it, be on Oprah, and become a millionaire.... yeah, that's it :)

Once upon a time a fat girl went curling.....

Last night I went curling!! I was asked by a friend of mine if I wanted to join a novice league on Sunday nights, and I agreed to try it out. Originally it was because he cornered me at a birthday party we were at on Saturday and was very convincing at how much fun it would be, and me, being someone who hates disappointing people, said yes. And then I spent the next 24 hours trying to figure out if I really DID want to go, or if I should try and blow it off.

I went. And I had a blast!!! I had never curled before, and didn't know what to expect, but I really loved it. I only knew one person (my friend) out of 24 people, which is always intimidating for me, but I sucked it up and was determined to have fun, or at least have fun learning a new sport. Plus, hey - it's activity, and I've been in dire need of that lately :)

On a fat-related note, my weight didn't factor into my decision to agree to go, in fact I didn't even think about being fat..... until I was driving to the rink. I was suddenly struck by the thought "What if I'm too fat to curl?" I mean I'd seen curlers on TV and when they were throwing the rock they were in this long lunge..... lunge?? I havent done anything close to a lunge in over 2 years! And all of a sudden, I was scared. What if I fell on the ice? (I didn't) ,What if I was the biggest person there? (I was), What if I couldn't do the lunge thing? (I could, although not as good as the chick in the picture!)...and wait, what about sweeping?? I recalled people running along with the rock sweeping agressively in front of it... oh god, what if I cant keep up with it?! (I did). And then I thought "well my friend wouldn't have asked me to play if he thought I was too fat would he??" hmmm.. maybe he hasn't noticed!!! haha.. I kid. But it's funny to me how much I project MY self-conscious fat thoughts into OTHER people's thoughts, when in reality I doubt he even gave it a thought. He likes me, knows I'm sociable, knows I like sports, and thought I'd be a good addition to the league. So thank you Russ.

It's amazing how much doubt crept into my thoughts about my ability and potential just because I'm fat. Until then, I hadn't even thought of these things, I had just thought 'I hope I have fun'.

I'm glad I didn't let my fear keep me from going as I would have missed out on a really fun opportunity, and I think I've found another sport that I love playing.... and I think I could be really good at it! Now I just hope I'll be able to climb stairs without wincing soon.... my thighs kill like an SOB - darn lunges :)

A funny funny gal :)

If you haven't checked out Karaoke Kitty's blog yet, you absolutely have to... she has a hilarious way of writing about the embarrassing consequences of being fat. Her most recent post lamenting about her big butt made me laugh out loud... the truth hurts, but it's good to be able to laugh about it too :)

Check it out!!!

http://101reasonsihatebeingfat.blogspot.com/

A completely different person

Who is this girl?? Well this is who I think I am... this girl reflects who I feel I am inside. I'm so used to seeing pictures of myself and wondering in disbelief who this fat woman is, that when I see a picture of myself where you can't really see my fat, I could stare at it for hours. Can anyone relate??

We took this picture while on our beach vacation in Eilat in the south of Israel 2 weeks ago... one of those self-shots (Marius is holding the camera). These are the only pictures I like of myself these days as if I angle my head right, you can hardly tell I'm fat. Anyway, I knew when we took this one, that this would be one of THOSE pictures... one that I can look admiringly at and say 'hey, I look pretty'. Rare.

Anyway, I've been absent from blogging. Got home from my vacation and had gained 2 pounds, which really is good, considering I was hardly ever on plan while I was away (didn't track, but tried to make healthy choices)... however, for whatever reason I went into a sort of tailspin for a week.... even had a junk food binge, which I haven't done in over 4 months now. Felt horrible, but of course in tailspin mode, it led to more bad choices over the next couple of days. I'm trying to be kind to myself as it was a tough week re-adjusting back to being home... kids took a while to get over the 10 hour time difference, I felt exhausted from the 20 hour trip, and I spent 4 days doing laundry and cleaning the house and being a single mommy again. Got sort of used to having hubby and grandparents around to help with the kids!! All that and I was blessed with the arrival of TOM.... when it rains, it pours, I tell ya!!

But enough of the excuses. I'm back.... out of the tailspin and in a better frame of mind. Hope to get back into the swing of things and start tracking and exercising again.