November 21, 2007

The Jig is Up

My bingeing jig that is!

Last night my husband and I were *discussing* (read: arguing!) about the lack of intimacy in our relationship and how he feels I don't care about him or want to be with him.... that it's like we're just friends who are bonded by their love for their children. While I know that this is a trap a LOT of parents fall into, he was feeling extremely hurt and was not afraid to show his feelings.

Making a grown man (whom I really DO dearly love) cry was not my finest moment, and in trying to explain why I have created a disconnect (short answer: mostly due to hating how I look and feel, and not wanting to be intimate because of it), I ended up spilling the beans about the sometimes secretive and bingeing nature of my eating. We'd had a similar conversation about 8 months ago wherein I divulged my ultimate secret: MY ACTUAL WEIGHT!!! phew - that one was hard, but this was just as hard - I have NEVER told anyone about my destructive eating secrets (except on here!), so needless to say it was very emotional and very difficult to admit to. However, I also knew while telling him that it would not change how he loves me and that it was safe to tell him.

In all honestly it felt GREAT to get it off my chest.... it was like the last horrible secret that I was keeping from him. Now he knows. He knows I weight 280 pounds, he knows I hide and binge food, he knows I'm addicted, that I feel crazy about my having an inner fat girl demon that I fight tooth and nail about 500 times a day. I was very glad to be able to tell him that I did not binge this time (while he was away) and that I feel I'm making some real progress.

I really hope I'm right.


Dee said...

Sorry to hear you argued with hubby. But sometimes that's good. If it brings out the truth ! Good for you for telling him and being honest about your weight and issues with food. It's a great and necessary step for you. Well done!

Sonya said...

I'm so proud of you. That I know was not easy. The fact he does know now though will hopefully help you continue to do so well.

TinyTrim said...

I'm proud of you, too. That took a lot of courage to have that discussion and lay it all out there.

Here's hoping for smoother sailing ahead and best wishes to you!

Diet Coke and Zingers said...

I'm so proud of you for hanging in and making good progress... The husband VS the chubby girl thing is tough, I know. I've been there myself. I have found though, that I don't have to be skinny to feel more confident with myself... it's taking care of myself and moving TOWARDS skinny, that does it for me... Who knows, maybe hitting your five pound mark will give you a little shot in the butt!

noelle said...

I totally could have written that post a while back. I started my private binge eating in elementary school. It is so hard to break that habit...I still get that "I'm alone, what should I eat" thought process.

I am sooooo proud of you for not bingeing while hubby was gone. And I am proud of you for telling him aobut it. I don't think I have ever really told mine how much I would eat without his supervision.

You are doing so great! WW has been a huge thing for me to learn to NOT binge...or eat because of stress or anger or frustraion. And now I don't have to starve myself becuase I feel such guilt and shame.

Hold your high, my dear! I am rootin' for you.