A Little Xmas Cheer

This is just TOO cute - I KNOW you'll want to do this yourself!!

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=9597209643

4th WEIGH-IN RESULTS

I lost a pound....woohoo! However, to get to my 5 pound loss, I had to lose 1.6 - so it didn't happen! Disappointing, but whatever :)

I'm a bit miffed though... because I've weighed myself on my own scale before going to each weigh in (wearing the same clothes) and each time, their scale has been different from mine, and by different amounts! The first time, theirs was lower by 2.2, the second time it was lower by .8 and this time it was lower by .6. Now, I know that some of this can be explained by the fact that my scale only goes by .5 increments, but I'm finding I'm feeling a bit put off by the inconsistency. However, I know that I could easily prevent this by (a) NOT weighing myself before I go, and (b) just relaxing because at least it's always been consistently lower!

Hope everyone has a great week!

Things I Remember

I have a really bad memory.... and I mean BAD. I've had friends talk about something that happened only a year ago and they're recounting how funny it was and things I said, and I've had no idea what they're talking about!! The reason I'm telling you this is because these past few months, in trying to figure out WHY I eat like I do, I've been trying to think back to my childhood and maybe find a clue as to when I started to be sneaky about food. It seems that although I have a horrible memory, I remember a lot of UGLY things. I mean, nothing *bad* has really ever happened to me - I had a wonderful childhood and a great family and have tons of wonderful memories - but I remember many key moments where I felt bad about myself. And for whatever reason, these negative food-related moments must have compounded on eachother, helping to lead to self esteem issues, not believing I was worth much or could achieve much, and somewhere I turned to food for comfort. These *ugly* moments include:

• Overhearing my grandmother tell my mother that I was sneaky (I was stunned... until then I didn't know grandmas thought bad things about their grandkids! - have never forgotten it - or the sinking feeling I felt)
• Sneaking food from my parent's friends' cupboards when we were visiting
• Sneaking food into my room.... I remember mixing unsweetened cocoa and icing sugar together and eating it dry with a spoon - and I remember doing this regularly when I was in my teens (this was probably because there was NOTHING junky in the house and this is what I came up with - how creative of me! :P)
• Sneaking granola bars almost daily and thinking my mother wouldn't notice the box was dwindling
• Finding granola bar wrappers in my mother's bedside table (I believe a lot of my behavior was learned)
• Buying junkfood on the way home from junior high and high school every day and hiding the evidence
• Rummaging for food when I babysat
• Worrying that when we had treats in the house (VERY RARE) that I wouldn't get my share
• Eating my university roommate's big bag of chips and then having to buy her another bag and replace it before she noticed (this happened more than once!)

I could go on, but you get the picture. I cringe at each and every one of these memories, but these memories have helped shape me (literally) into who I am today. A vicious circle of wanting something, sneaking it, feeling awful about it, and then either having to sneak it back or just live with my secrets.... either way feel awful about myself, and then want something to make me feel better.

My biggest hope is that I do NOT pass this down to my daughter (or my son for that matter)... I hope that I will be able to see the signs if she starts doing it and be able to help her before it takes over her life. Obviously the best way to help her is to be a good example and to stop doing it myself!

I find it's a very fine line when it comes to junk food. If you never have it in the house (which was how I grew up) then I think you start to covet it and if you ever get the chance, you gobble it up as fast and as much as possible. I know that the minute I had my own money, it was almost always spent on food. I have friends who grew up with it ALWAYS in their house, and for whatever reason, it doesn't call out to them to eat it... maybe because they knew it would always be there if they wanted it. My parents had to COUNT OUT chips because we were all so worried we wouldnt get our *fair* share - it was ridiculous.... to this day none of us can have chips in the house without feeling the need to eat the whole bag (my sister-in-law asked me one day: "So what's with Matt and the chips?!"). With my kids, my strategy is to try to provide the best of both worlds... I'm very passionate about them eating as healthy as possible, but I also try to balance it out with treats so they dont feel deprived or feel that anything is forbidden. But I really dont know how to ensure they adopt healthy eating behaviors besides talking about the importance of putting healthy foods in your body, and making sure their healthy food taste great. I have mixed emotions about trying to manipulate it while feeling like a total hypocrite. My daughter is a chip fanatic, and it worries me SO MUCH!!!! I don't make a big deal about it - afterall she's not the only kid at the chip bowl - but I of course worry that it will lead to something bigger and more detrimental to her physical and emotional well being. And I'm not sure what I can really do to ensure it doesn't.

How do you help your children learn how to limit the unhealthy stuff on their own? Anyone? anyone?!

The Jig is Up

My bingeing jig that is!

Last night my husband and I were *discussing* (read: arguing!) about the lack of intimacy in our relationship and how he feels I don't care about him or want to be with him.... that it's like we're just friends who are bonded by their love for their children. While I know that this is a trap a LOT of parents fall into, he was feeling extremely hurt and was not afraid to show his feelings.

Making a grown man (whom I really DO dearly love) cry was not my finest moment, and in trying to explain why I have created a disconnect (short answer: mostly due to hating how I look and feel, and not wanting to be intimate because of it), I ended up spilling the beans about the sometimes secretive and bingeing nature of my eating. We'd had a similar conversation about 8 months ago wherein I divulged my ultimate secret: MY ACTUAL WEIGHT!!! phew - that one was hard, but this was just as hard - I have NEVER told anyone about my destructive eating secrets (except on here!), so needless to say it was very emotional and very difficult to admit to. However, I also knew while telling him that it would not change how he loves me and that it was safe to tell him.

In all honestly it felt GREAT to get it off my chest.... it was like the last horrible secret that I was keeping from him. Now he knows. He knows I weight 280 pounds, he knows I hide and binge food, he knows I'm addicted, that I feel crazy about my having an inner fat girl demon that I fight tooth and nail about 500 times a day. I was very glad to be able to tell him that I did not binge this time (while he was away) and that I feel I'm making some real progress.

I really hope I'm right.

Weighing in

Keeping myself in check over the past 5 days or so finally showed some results on the scale today. Althought I didn't go to an official WW weigh in, my scale shows me with a loss, and the scale at WW always weighs me in as less (gotta love that!), so I'm looking forward to my regular meeting this Saturday. It will have been 2 weeks, but it will be great to see a loss - I'm hoping to reach my mini goal of 5 pounds lost..... I'm confident it will happen......I am woman, hear me roar :)

I'm around, just going a little crazy

Well hello there.... :)

I've been absent... not sure why.... but I think because I've been so busy and a tad stressed out. It's hard with the husband away for many reasons... trying to exercise (which I've hardly done any of), trying to eat healthy (I've done OK), the risk of bingeing (which I'm happy to report I haven't done - yay me!), and dealing with a 3 year old with a burgeoning attitude and a one year old who's learning everything he needs to know from his sister, and never getting a break unless they're both sleeping.... could that be why I'm posting this at 1am??!!

Tonight, as I tried to convince my daughter to eat her brocolli, she said this to me in a very mommy-like voice: "Mommy, I'm not too happy with you right now. I think you should go to your bedroom and think about things. How does that sound?". I was in shock. Partly because I'm still amazed when I hear these out of the blue articulate sentences from her, and partly because I was hearing me admonishing her - I say a variation of this sentence about 20 times a day - I was listening to myself! And it's hard to hear yourself come back to you from a 3 year old's mouth. I tried to be serious and tell her that it wasn't a nice way to talk to me, but it sounded ridiculous even to me... so I ended up laughing instead.

But she still had to eat her brocolli :)

Anyway, the husband gets home tomorrow, and I'm hoping to get out of the house and do some *me* things this week before he leaves again on Saturday. I have dates with girlfriends lined up on Tues, Wed AND Thurs nights!! woo hoo..... I haven't been away from the kids in 12 days, and I cant wait to get into that car alone :) The poor husband's a bit upset that I'm not planning some romantic evenings in, but honestly, I NEED to get out!

I wasn't able to make my Saturday morning weigh in this week, and now I'm trying to decide whether I go in on Tuesday morning or if I wait til next Saturday. blah

I'm trying to keep my head up and not feel down on myself. My home scale reflects my effort these past 10 days - no loss, no gain, and I can't use my husband's absence as an excuse as why I haven't found the time or will to exercise. I know I need to find a way to eat healthy and get moving even when I'm on my own. My one victory is that I did not go bonkers on a binge.

I've been perusing a ton of blogs tonight..... you guys are ALL SO INSPIRING and you got me off my lazy blogging butt and posting - so thanks!!

2nd WEIGH-IN RESULTS

I gained .2 pounds. Sucks. But whatever. I did really well this week in terms of when and how I ate and I'm hoping the plan I've put in place for the next week and a half will see a better result next week. I'm hoping the *gain* is mostly due to it being TOM, but I wont make excuses, I could have done much better in my exercise efforts.

In the big scheme of things, .2 is such a piddly amount! I'd rather gain a pound I think as it has more meaning for me. But I guess it's nice to see such a SMALL gain :) ...... .2 - pfffffft!

What's also disappointing (and perhaps detrimental) is that I couldn't stay for the meeting today as I had to bring the kiddies along. Usually Saturday mornings are MINE.. I walk to and from my meeting which is 45 minutes each way, stopping for a sub from Subway on my way home. Having my husband be away for today and the next THREE Saturdays just, well it SUCKS!

Oh well, hope all you Canadians have a great long weekend!!

Husband away = SCARY times!

So my husband left yesterday for a business trip for 12 days. He travels once in a while for work, and I manage to stay sane as a temporary single mom, however this time I'm finding myself in a big panic about eating while he's away.

First of all, he's the cook in our house. He LOVES to cook and I consider myself very lucky, however I find it's also made me quite lazy. On the whole I usually eat terribly when he's not here (not necessarily always WHAT I eat, but more like HOW). It's very rare that I'll actually MAKE something for myself and sit down and eat it... it's microwave this, heat up that, graze, graze and more grazing. And all while preparing my kids' healthy balanced meals (I know - it's messed up). When he's away is also when I usually have a nice binge session... probably because it's so easy... I don't have to worry about him finding any evidence, I can buy whatever I want when I go grocery shopping (we usually do this as a family), and I can look forward to when the kids are both in bed and I can sit down and pig out with no chance of being found out.

It's a mind frame I'm REALLY struggling with. That just cause he's away, doesn't mean I have license to eat crap, and I know it's this really immature part of me that feels *free* from watchful eyes (sort of like when your parents left you home alone), and that I need to take advantage of it. In reality he doesn't really watch me - probably because he hasn't a clue about the binges or my sneaking junk.

The addictive and habitual side of me is really feeling the pull of a good old comforting yummy filling binge (picture a fat girl with pom poms leading a binge cheer... give me a *B*!! give me an *I*!!.....). The only thing holding me back is that the inner healthy girl really wants to have a good weigh in tomorrow, and so keep telling myself that if I really want something then I can have it tomorrow on my *high points* day. I'm hoping I have a good weigh in and then just wont want it. I have to say that I'm happy I'm actually feeling *panicked* about him being away. Usually I secretly look forward to it! At least I'm being conscious about my binge and junk demons and not going into automatic binge pilot :)

I have tried to set myself up for success over the next 12 days by planning out my meals and stocking the house with healthy food. Exercise is a bit tougher, as I'm not able to get out for my long walks (walking with the kids does NOT equal cardio - think: "I want to get out and walk" - "Now I want to get in" - "You're walking too fast") . I have a few videos and of course the treadclimber. I just have to get my butt in gear and workout after they're both in bed. Unfortunately it's the LAST thing I feel like doing in the evening, cause I just feel exhausted. And the mornings are hard because they wake up at different times everyday. But I guess I will just have to. It will be good for my mental and emotional states as well. I do NOT know how single moms do it - I have much admiration!!

Wish me luck and send lots of *no binging* vibes!!

Help! I've been tagged and I can't get up!

I'm bored, and dont feel like talking about my weight, so thought I'd post *7 weird/random things about me* to go along with the tag game that's going around - a big shout out of thanks to my tag buddy Becky :)

1. I was born in Halifax, NS. My Dad was in the Navy, and we moved around a lot. I've lived in Halifax, Ottawa and also in England - twice! I LOVE England and would live there again in a second.

2. When I was 17, my soccer team made it to the National Championships and we won silver!

3. I have a Masters degree in online learning... I finished my thesis and graduated when I was 8 months pregnant with my 1st baby... it was nice to have a *good* reason why my graduation gown made me look like I was wearing a tent!

4. After months of trying, getting tested and waiting, my husband and I were told by a fertility specialist that we had less than 1% chance of conceiving on our own. He set us up for IVF treatments and we went home feeling devastated but also hopeful. It seems we also felt frisky; as we had sex and conceived THAT night!! I have been pregnant 3 times since that meeting (1 miscarriage, 2 kids) and we're now thinking about having a 3rd, so I guess we beat the odds. I love our story as I like to think it gives hope to anyone who's been told they can't conceive... you NEVER know - your body and what it can do is a miracle!

5. My husband is from Israel and is Jewish. Although he is not religious at all, it was important to him that our kids be Jewish. This can only be *passed on* by the mother, and so I converted to Judaism before we married. I was raised United (Protestant) and although was raised going to church, do not consider myself a religious person, but believe more in spirituality and loving your neighbor, being a good person.... etc etc. I believe that if there is a God, then there is only one of *him* and so I don't think it matters what religion you are. Our children will choose their own religious/spiritual path, but at least this way, if they choose to be Jewish, they wont have to go through the year-long conversion process like I did!!

6. When I was 23, I picked up my life in Ottawa and drove out to Vancouver with my roommate from university to start a new life. We had no place to live and no jobs, friends etc. 14 years later, and I'm still here!! Love it, but at the same time hate the high cost of living here and the ridiculously inflated value of real estate. We are now thinking of moving to Ottawa or we may even be moving to Israel next spring!

7. And now for the weirdest thing about me (HAD to put something strange in!): I can NOT have Ivory soap (the bath bars) in the house...... because there is something about it that compels me to want to EAT it!! Weird eh?! And yes, I HAVE tasted it - just to prove to myself that it doesn't taste good (it doesn't)... but I still WANT to eat it. Gives new meaning to the phrase "wash your mouth out with soap".... mmmmmm yummy! haha

My Celebrity Look-alikes!

I can see Charlotte Church - but Nicole Richie??!! I'm honored to have Kate Winslet in the mix, though, I think she's beautiful!

On a side note, I did this with a more realistic picture (ie FAT), and it gave me a whole different set of pictures... much more unnattractive, including Brendan Fraser (who is cute as a GUY), so I think I'll stick to my thin-looking picture thank you very much!!

1st WEIGH-IN RESULTS

In my *first* week of re-commitment I have lost 3.6 pounds. It's good, but it could have been better. Of course, having Halloween hit in the middle of my first week back didn't help, but I take full responsibility for my behavior.... I mean the little chocolate bars ARE the devil, but they didn't MAKE me eat them! I chose to indulge, however I indulged WAAAAY less than I would have 2 weeks ago. I could have eaten about 50 of those little guys, but I only ate about 10. So I consider that a victory!!

So I am celebrating my 3.6 pound loss. I'll take it... it's a small baby step toward a bigger goal, and hey, I'm out of the 280's, and I play to make that permanent :)

The best reason of all

I've been thinking alot about my kids and how they relate to my weight loss. I know that ultimately I need to lose weight for ME, for my health, my happiness.... and that I will be a better, healthy and happier mommy because of it. As most moms do, I think about how I would cope if I ever lost either or both of them, and it's an image that can immediately bring me to tears. I know that people DO lose their kids and that life goes on, and I guess if it happened to me, my life would go on too. But I honestly don't know how I would ever be able to get out of bed again. Or how I'd ever not turn to food.

But that's not why I'm writing this post... I wanted to really reflect about about my kids losing ME. I'm very lucky that at my age (37), height (5'8") and weight (280), that I'm actually quite healthy. I walk a lot, blood pressure and cholestrol are fine, have had 2 very healthy pregnancies, have no problems with my legs, joints or feet, and I am able to play and run with my kids.... maybe this is why I forget sometimes how fat I really am. I consider myself a very lucky, healthy FAT person. HOWEVER, I also know that I am totally taking my health for granted, and that as I get older, my weight IS going to start affecting my overall health and it's going to create other weight-related issues if I don't turn things around now.

And it could KILL me. Prematurely. And I would leave my kids without a mother. And I wouldn't see them grow up and become wonderful human beings and find happiness, and maybe have kids of their own.

I know this. I REALLY REALLY understand the truth of this. And that's why I'm just astounded that it hasn't been a big enough motivation to stop my self-destructive habits. Why wouldn't my worst fear stop me dead in my tracks and make me NOT eat a freaking stupid mini chocolate bar? Or worse - 10 of them? Forget looking hot, wearing cute clothes, feeling sexy, confident and proud - all good reasons for losing weight - why isn't the thought of not being here for my kids enough??!! Why do I put food before THAT? Why do I choose food over being a full participant in their lives and over being IN their lives for a long time to come?

I know I'm not the only mom that feels this way. I know being fat doesn't make me a bad mom.... I know berating myself for being fat doesn't help anything but create a vicious circle, but I just can't believe that I am choosing - with every unhealthy choice - to take such a huge risk with my life and the lives of my kids.... and for what? For food?

I'm stronger than that - I know I am. I only have to look at my precious kids and feel their unconditional love to know that I'm worth far far more that this.