Getting over my scale woes

Ok, so I'm over it. I'm going to keep my new scale and just go with what it says. I tried changing numbers to reflect the difference, but I just ended up feeling like I was cheating or something. I figure in the long term, I won't care about a discrepency in March '07!

I'm also going back to only weighing myself twice a week- Thursday and Monday. Thursday to make sure I'm on track - Monday as my official WI. The only problem is that I have to weigh myself in our dining room on our laminate floor - everywhere else is either carpeted or tiled and I've found the scale is inconsistent on tiles. We have windows everywhere, so I have to find the one spot where I can't be seen, quickly undress, weigh and get dressed again. RIDICULOUS what we do in the name of weight!

So my new scale weighs me in at 274. This is ok with me.

my not-so-nice new scale

Ok, so this great new digital scale I bought it causing me GREAT concern in that it is reading 7 pounds heavier than my old analog/dial one!!! 7 freakin pounds! What do I do with that? Do I really have to go back to being 7 pounds heavier than I thought I was and just wait til my weight loss catches up with my current numbers?

Right now i step on my lovely new scale, grimace, and then run to my old relic and breathe easier. It's especially bad because I am down 3 pounds according to my old scale and ALMOST into the 260s.

I'm thinking that maybe I should change all my numbers by adding 7 pounds to them... or maybe I should just take it back! The reason behind buying it in the first place so that I wouldn't be able to 'guesstimate' my losses/gains... hard to argue with 271.2 :o)

A NEW SCALE!

I finally broke down and bought a digital scale 2 days ago. I have an old analog one and it was just too easy to 'guess' my weight.. especially if I was off just a pound. Now I have one that measures to the .5 so there's no guessing (or denial) involved! The downside to this nice new shiny scale is that it weighs me 3 pounds heavier than my old one. Maybe it's cause it's my TOM - I'll guess we'll see next week!

Today I didn't do too well with the eating.. i started off good with my porridge as usual, had a quick meal of soup, chicken and 1/2 grapefruit... but then didnt eat til i got home from work around 7pm. So much for 5 meals a day every 3-4 hours! Oh well at least i ate well for supper (chicken, yam fries and brocoli). Oh and then 2 fat free/sugar free yogurts. Oh and I didn't eat all my water.. tsk tsk

YAY me...

Today I am SOOOO thankful that I am in my last week of work!!!! YAAAAAAY

PROGRESS PICS

MY PROGRESS SO FAR

I WILL TAKE A PICTURE FOR EVERY 20 POUNDS LOST!

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290 pounds

I took this picture when I started my new way of eating/living on January 9th, 2007. I had already lost 30 pounds since giving birth. This is a shirt that I just LOVED when I saw it in the store... knew it would look ridiculous on me now, but I thought I'd take all my progress pics in it until it looked like it was supposed to (LOOK at those boobs)!!

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320 pounds
Highest weight EVER! Taken October 18, 2007, the day before Matthew was born. The fact that I was 10 months pregnant is NO EXCUSE!!

Reconnecting

Today I received an email from an old friend... and when I say old, i mean junior high and high school - like 19 years ago!! We lost touch after highschool - i don't remember why, but i have always felt guilty about it as I believe it was me who stopped talking for some reason. I've thought about her lots over the years but always felt too embarrassed to get in touch. Well it turns out she feels the same way - like it was HER fault. SO SILLY... we could have been friends all this while!!!

I got in touch with her through classmates. I finally caved in and joined as i really want to connect with old friends - and voila - look what happened on the first day as a member!

This is part of me getting over myself and my fears of rejection. I dont want to live with regrets about past relationships anymore, and so this is one way of dealing with that... working good so far!

I'm thankful for all my wonderful, supportive, caring friends - I love you guys!

What will I look like....

when I've lost all this extra weight? It's a weird question. I think that after losing 160 pounds that I will look very different. But I still can't visualize. Will I look younger? Like when I was 16? I was thin then... but I've aged, so I know I'll look different from that girl.

It's a very strange question and I was thinking about it as I brushed my teeth. I was going to ask Marius what he thought, and then chickened out... silly me, still don't like drawing his attention to my weight. Like he doesn't notice every time he looks at me!

I can't wait see what I will look like. Me but with cheekbones I guess! We'll just have to wait and see :)

Thank you husband for loving me no matter what.

Just cause I feel good about it!

I'm posting this picture to prove (to myself) that I CAN take a good picture these days... although to avoid the horror of the double chin I took it from 'above'... a little trick you might be familiar with :)

If I could, I would get anyone taking a picture of me to stand on a stair, their tiptoes or that the very least, hold the camera up high above their head. How sad is that!

Got my hair cut (it's been a year!) and had the stylist straighten it for me - LOVE having straight hair. So much so, that when Marius asked if I was going to go for a walk tomorrow morning, I had to really think about it... was it worth losing the straightness?!!! Sad sad - he knew exactly what I was thinking too - he knows me way too well :)

For today anyway, I'm thankful for my 'kicky' straight hair. Hope it looks ok curly!!

M A T T H E W - my little angel

Here's my baby... little Matt is 41/2 months old and most of the time is my little angel :) The other times, well I've learned to work around those times!

I wasn't sure about having a son. So far, the experience has exceeded my expectations... he's just so sweet and just loves his Mommy's affections. Maybe because Maya has always been SO independent, and could give or take hugs and kisses; that it's so wonderful to have this little guy love being held and cuddled. I had heard that little boys love their mommies, and it's such a blessing to be his mom. I can't wait for our relationship to expand and flourish as he grows and matures. I hope we are always close.

Today I am thankful for my son - I can't believe how lucky I am to have him in my life!

Progress Pics!

I just put pictures of me on this site!!! Talk about scary .... but GOOD FOR ME for having the courage to do it - it will be fun to see how I change :o)

Ways I sabotage myself

Here are some of the ways I sabotage my weight loss/health gain (I'm sure there are more - I came up with these one night as I was journalling):

• 'I'm going to start tomorrow, so I should pig out today (ie. it's my last chance to EVER eat junk!)'
• 'I screwed up so I should just pig out for the rest of the day'
• 'I was so good yesterday, I deserve to treat myself today'
• 'I lost weight last week even though I cheated, so obviously I can do this by cheating'
• 'I've had a hard day, so I deserve a treat'
• 'If I can't do it "perfectly" or "all the way", then just don't bother doing it at all (ie. I can't devote 20 m inutes to stretch, so it's not worth it)'
• Making unrealistic promises (like telling myself that I will NEVER eat a certain food) which perpetuates the cycle of lies, distrust and not believing in myself

I will examine and analyze each of these at another time - just writing them down is enlightening!

This too shall pass

Today was just one of those days. I've had quite a few of them in the last 4 months... a day where both kids are cranky and I have no patience. I know that their moods feed off of mine, so the best thing I can do is to just take a deep breath and relax and put a smile and my 'sweet mommy' voice on, and usually I can do that, but today it was damn hard! Especially without my drugs (junk food). Usually I would head straight for the junk stash as soon as I had both of them in bed, but I'm proud of myself that I didn't. Not that I ate 'on plan', but at least it was healthy. However, this was made easier by the fact that I have no junk in the house. But I'm proud of that too :)

Matthew is still clawing at his head whenever he is even a tiny bit tired (or I try to breastfeed him). SO fun trying to persuade a screaming baby to suck your nipple - talk about rejection and feeling defeated! However, as I've told him many times, unfortunately for him, I'm too stubborn to give up, and so we sit there as long as it takes for him to get enough milk to feel full. I'm hoping that one day we will have a nice relaxing breastfeed without swaddling and screaming. SO jealous of the moms whose kids find breastfeeding SOOTHING. Not my little Matty, and not Maya either. Oh well, as the title says, 'This too shall pass'.

Ok - since I started this blog to in part be truthful to myself (which is easy now since I'm the only one reading this!), I am confessing a weakness. I NEVER do this. It's VERY scary for me to put this in actual words where someone could read it. It would mean I would be revealed as the fraud I feel I am. Anyway, blah blah - enough of the stalling tactics! Tonight I had to go and get a prescription filled for Matty's scratching problem, and I bought chocolate at Shoppers. I really didn't want to, but the loud fat voice in me (I need to give this voice a name) won out.. I blame it on the fact that I had to hang around for 10 minutes. But that's just a lame excuse. One day I hope that my loud fat voice (lofavo?) will be quieted and my true self's voice will ring loud and clear - I hope i can't shut that voice up!

out