March 1, 2007

This too shall pass

Today was just one of those days. I've had quite a few of them in the last 4 months... a day where both kids are cranky and I have no patience. I know that their moods feed off of mine, so the best thing I can do is to just take a deep breath and relax and put a smile and my 'sweet mommy' voice on, and usually I can do that, but today it was damn hard! Especially without my drugs (junk food). Usually I would head straight for the junk stash as soon as I had both of them in bed, but I'm proud of myself that I didn't. Not that I ate 'on plan', but at least it was healthy. However, this was made easier by the fact that I have no junk in the house. But I'm proud of that too :)

Matthew is still clawing at his head whenever he is even a tiny bit tired (or I try to breastfeed him). SO fun trying to persuade a screaming baby to suck your nipple - talk about rejection and feeling defeated! However, as I've told him many times, unfortunately for him, I'm too stubborn to give up, and so we sit there as long as it takes for him to get enough milk to feel full. I'm hoping that one day we will have a nice relaxing breastfeed without swaddling and screaming. SO jealous of the moms whose kids find breastfeeding SOOTHING. Not my little Matty, and not Maya either. Oh well, as the title says, 'This too shall pass'.

Ok - since I started this blog to in part be truthful to myself (which is easy now since I'm the only one reading this!), I am confessing a weakness. I NEVER do this. It's VERY scary for me to put this in actual words where someone could read it. It would mean I would be revealed as the fraud I feel I am. Anyway, blah blah - enough of the stalling tactics! Tonight I had to go and get a prescription filled for Matty's scratching problem, and I bought chocolate at Shoppers. I really didn't want to, but the loud fat voice in me (I need to give this voice a name) won out.. I blame it on the fact that I had to hang around for 10 minutes. But that's just a lame excuse. One day I hope that my loud fat voice (lofavo?) will be quieted and my true self's voice will ring loud and clear - I hope i can't shut that voice up!


1 comment:

Dallas said...

If you have troubles sleeping you should consider getting help for panic disorder treatment with care and compassion.