HOLY CRAP

That's how I'm feeling. We still can't quite believe it's true. Even after a 4th pregnancy test which I took this morning and the line was no longer faint, I still haven't digested it. I'm starting to feel the excitement of picking a name, wondering what it he/she will look like, seeing him/her on an ultrasound for the first time, etc etc. On the other hand, I've already started worrying about its health, having amniocentesis again (which I had a REALLY hard time with emotionally with my 2nd) and of course the weight that I will probably gain.

I gained about 45 pounds with my first 2 pregnancies (each!) and I just CANT do that again. I got up to 320 with Matthew and my legs and hips just hated me at the end. Plus, carrying a 35 pound child up the stairs when you're over 300 pounds and pregnant just isn't fun.

Yes, I'm definitely disappointed that my weight loss goals have to be put on hold (temporarily mind you), but I'm also bound and determined that I will gain the least amount of weight I can by eating healthy and exercising. I definitely wont put this child in any danger by trying to lose weight while pregnant, but I'm hoping that by keeping myself in check and not eating for 2 or 3 or 4 as I sometimes did with my first 2 pregnancies; that I can end up not to far from where I am now in 9 months. I've read that a person of my size can safely gain about 15 pounds and have a perfectly healthy pregnancy, so that's what I'm going to aim for. I've also read that if you DO lose weight while pregnant, that the toxins stored in your fat cells can affect the baby, as can ketones in your blood from being in a constant state of low insulin (due to no carbs). I dont want either of these obviously, so the aim is healthy weight GAIN :)

Anyway, undoubtably many of you that read this will now find my posts boring... I mean this is supposed to be a weight loss blog, and although I'm not baby crazy like I was with my first, I doubt I'll have many inspiring weight loss posts......but it's ok - I forgive you all :) Hopefully I'll *see* you again next September when part 2 of my weight loss program starts up.

As a side note, we've been told that it's now quite probable that we will be relocated to Israel for my husband's work..... something I've agreed to commit to for 2 years. ACCKK!! Scary. However one of the good things about the move would be that I'd have my inlaws nearby to help me deal with 3 kids, whereas here I have no help. We're expecting an offer to be made in early Jan, and if it's satisfactory, we'll be moving in April!

Anyway, blah blah blah - hope everyone has a fantastic Xmas!!!

and HOLY CRAP!!!

A little *BUMP* in the road.....

Well.....so I think I'm pregnant.... AAAAHHHHHHH .....and I'm feeling a bit numb... or maybe it's denial?!! My hubby and I have always said we'd like 3 kids, and given the fact that we were told we had less than a 1% chance of even having 1 kid, AND given the fact that we had sex exactly once... on Dec 6th (yes I remember..... it's been a slow month!), this baby would be a friggen miracle. I knew we had sex around the time I was ovulating (when we thought we were infertile, I got REALLY good at tracking my cycle - so much so that I can now FEEL when I ovulate!!), and we didn't use any protection, but I thought at the time, 'there's NO way'. HA!

But I should have gotten my TOM this week, and I've been experiencing a few weird signs, and so yesterday when I was spending too much money at Walmart, I picked up a pack of their generic pregnancy tests and tested this morning. It was a faint line, but it was a line. And so here we are. I'm expecting my husband home from Arizona in about 45 minutes, and I'm going to break the news.... he'll be THRILLED. And I know I WILL be. There's just a few things I have work through before I'm there.

TIMING: We had planned to start *trying* in Feb/March... this was because (selfishly) I REALLY wanted to go to my 20 year high school reunion in Nova Scotia in early August. Well that's not going to happen now - I'll be 8 1/2 months pregnant!

MONEY: This means I won't be working before this baby comes, which means no EI from the government and we'll be living on hubby's income only for a while. It's going to be TIGHT.

MY WEIGHT: My hope was that I would be quite a bit lighter when I got pregnant again. Although I love being pregnant and also love the *I'm supposed to have a big belly* feeling that goes along with it, I still hated being FAT and pregnant... not to mention the stress on my hips and legs - blah

Anyway, these are minor concerns... I know how devastating it can be to NOT be able to conceive and so I feel so blessed that it happened so easily and I'm NOT complaining... I'm really not. I just need to work through some of these mixed emotions.

And I need to test again tomorrow morning... maybe the test I used was broken or something :)

I'll leave you with AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

6th WEIGH-IN RESULT!

Woo hoo for me!! I lost 3.6 pounds this week to put me over 5 pounds loss - finally finally finally! I guess last week WAS a temporary and somewhat artificial gain cause by salt overload at my hubby's Xmas party or something...

Whatever - I'm THRILLED!

I also enjoyed myself immensely at the hotel on my own this weekend. Did a bit of shopping, but mostly just hung out in my jammies and read magazines, watched TV and movies, and made a dent in organizing my life and weight-loss goals for the new year. Dont really believe in new year's resolutions, but I do like the feeling of it being a fresh new year with tons of opportunities for success and achievements.

I'm also proud of myself because I didn't go on a crazy binge while on my own, and believe me I was fantasizing about it last week in a major way - especially on Friday!! Thinking of all the crap I was going to buy and eat in my secret little binge nest. I ended up getting some chinese food, had a SMALL bag of chips, 1 chocolate bar and 2 pieces of licorice. It was quite the treat!!! I'm sure this sounds like a lot to many of you, but for me this was nothing..... me without restraint would have gotten 2 BIG bags of chips.. a BAG of chocolate, a BAG of licorice and probably had MacDonalds on top of the chinese food - all in just 2 days! I actually brought fruit, water and some All Bran bars with me this time, and so at least got in some healthy stuff amongst the crapola :)

Hope everyone has a good week!

Yes yes I'm still here :)

And yes yes I know I didnt post my weight last weekend. *SIGH* I did so well last week - went to my husband's Xmas party on Friday night and ate totally within my points - abstained from the desserts (which included dark, milk and white chocolate fondues - ACK!!), the fatty lamb shanks and the scallops dripping in butter. Last year I ate til I felt ill, but I really did well this year... didn't drink anything but water all night... and a lot of it!!

So when I stepped on my scale before weigh in on Saturday morning and it said I had GAINED 2 pounds overnight, I was just a TAD shocked.. just a TAD (read: TOTALLY). I didn't have a good feeling about my official WW weigh in and it definitely didn't disappoint. *Officially* I gained 2.2 pounds. I THINK that this was water weight because the foods I did eat were pretty savory (ie: SALTY) and the scale was back down on Sunday, so maybe that's it. But it certainly put me in a lovely funk for the following 4 days. So I'd like to acknowledge that I'm cheating (probably only myself, but whatever!) by not showing my gain in my ticker or spreadsheet. I just can't bring myself to do it!

I've been *good* all week (hate using that expression, but it gets my point across) so we'll see what happens this week. I also exercised quite a bit this week, so I'm hoping that will help. Even if it doesn't, it felt darn good to get back on my treadclimber and I'm hoping to make it a regular thing.

As a little payback for him being away for almost the whole month of November, the best husband in the world is giving me a weekend at a hotel for 2 nights this weekend.. we're going to the *Breakfast with Santa* event that his company puts on every year and then he's dropping me off downtown. Can't wait!!!!!

And just cause they're so cute (except for the bruise above Maya's lip!), here are a couple of pics of my babes (and me) at a restaurant last weekend :) I love how my black turtleneck makes me look like I'm just a floating head (with only a slight double chin)... woohoo! almost makes it acceptable :)

An easier way to stalk you big losers!!

I don't know about you, but I go to my favorite bloggers' sites at least once a day to see if they've posted, and I WAS doing that by clicking on their links on MY blog below... this didn't take THAT long to do, but if no one had posted, it got a bit boring (and disappointing!) after a while.

Well. I just have to say, that thanks to Scale Junkie, I am now using the most amazing tool! It's called Google Reader and it acts like an inbox for all the blogs you read - showing you if anyone has posted anything new. All you have to do is *subscribe to* (add) someone's blog, and it will automatically show if they've posted since you last looked. AMAZING!!

I'm sure some (most?) of you are already using this or something similar, but it is a delightful surprise for me... it means I can cut down on the amount of time I spend on here (my husband will thank me!) AND I can actually read MORE blogs (cause I'm a junkie for weight loss inspiration!)... even if I dont link to them from my blog. Ok I guess my husband WON'T be thanking me!

The way it works is that in your inbox you'll see a list of all the blogs you've subscribed to - and they will be bolded if they have a new post. You can link to the person's actual blog just by clicking on their post title - which is what you'll have to do if you want to comment. The only housekeeping thing I had to do was open my inbox and *mark all posts as read* as it had the last 158 posts people had made and I guess assumed I hadn't read them yet.

You can also see who has subscribed to your blog, and its *trends* features shows you how many posts you received, how many you've read, etc etc....

Anyway, if anyone's interested, you can find Google reader here: http://www.google.com/intl/en/googlereader/tour.html - it literally took me 10 minutes to add everyone's blog and then I added a link to it on my blog so I can see in 2 seconds if anyone's posted since I last logged on!

Sorry for the crazy excitement - I just love technology, shortcuts and time savers :)

On a weight loss note, I have my weigh in tomorrow, and once again my scale says I'm down... we'll see what those crazy fluctuating WW scales say tomorrow though! I have my husband's company Xmas party tonight.... and I'm planning not to drink at all or eat too much (hard - because they put on quite the spread).... but I'm fine with this because we have another Xmas party to go to tomorrow night and I plan to indulge then :)

Happy Friday and thank you thank you Scale Junkie!

Update: OK - I think I just figured out how I sometimes get comments immediately after posting a new post! duh :)

A little shopping inspiration

Last night I went out to dinner with a girlfriend of mine....and afterward we strolled along Robson St in Vancouver - a MECCA for clothing stores....everything from the Gap to Mexx, Guess, Tommy Hilfiger, LuluLemon, Zara, Bebe.... you get the idea.... and you might also appreciate that I never go in these stores because I cant wear their clothes... MY mecca consists of Old Navy (can get into an XXL if it's stretchy and can also wear some of their maternity clothes (GOD that's so sad!)), Penningtons, Additionelle, Cotton Ginny Plus and sometimes Walmart (but I hardly ever go there). I never go into other stores - I mean, why would I want to depress myself!?

Anyway, my friend, who is slim size 8-10, wanted to check out some of the sales at these stores and so I tagged along.

Now, I feel uncomfortable even walking into these stores because I feel like everyone's looking at me and wondering why I'm in there, and then I feel funny even looking at the clothes, because hey, who am I kidding?! So in the first couple of stores I didn't even look, I just sorta loitered around the front area pretending to look at things while my friend browsed. And then a funny thing happened.... we spent quite a while in a store called Zara, which I'd never gone into, and she was trying on coats and I started to actually LOOK and feel the clothes, and I started to feel excited! They were so beautiful, so fashionable, so cute, so sexy, nothing like how I would describe my current wardrobe. For my clothes, I'd use descriptors like Functional, Frumpy and Shapeless. Gee how fun and inspiring - no wonder I find it hard to feel good about myself!

Anyway, I actually had fun, but I also found myself thinking 'I would get this, oh and this, ohhhh and THIS'.... in fact I would have bought everything in there. And I couldn't believe that my friend wasn't buying everything - I mean SHE could FIT in all these clothes and she walked out with nothing. I had an overwhelming feeling that I would buy anything and everything I could fit into, and I guess it's because that's how it is right now - when I find something that I actually like, or that looks pretty or that fits well, I'm ecstatic, and I buy it because it's so RARE due to my limited choices.

I was surprised at how inspired I felt when I left... not depressed, but instead excited for the day that I will hopefully be able to shop in these fun *normal* stores and have thousands of beautiful, cute and sexy things to choose from. I won't know what to do with myself!!

I almost consider this a NSV as instead of going into a *I'm NEVER going to be thin enough to shop here* funk like I would in the past, my excitement showed me that I DO believe that I will reach my goals and I will be a fashionista one day :)

Hmmm.................I'd better start saving my pennies now!

5th WEIGH-IN RESULTS

So I stayed the same today..... which, well whatever, but here's why I'm a bit miffed.....

I didn't exercise regularly this past week, but I eating-wise I did awesome... and I refrained from weighing myself ALL week, except for today right before I left for my meeting, and my scale had me DOWN 3.5 pounds!! I was SO excited... it meant I'd be getting my 5 pound star.

Except I didn't. The WW scales, which have til now weighed me in less than my home scale (see rant below), today weighed me in higher. At least 3.5 pounds higher.

I don't get it. They must calibrate those things right? Maybe I need to figure out how to stand on the same one every week or something.

I was so excited to go this morning and then SO disappointed when I left. Anyway, not sure what to do. I know in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter..... if I lose weight, then I lose weight - regardless of what any scale says - but I just don't get why the huge discrepancy every week.

BLAH

A Little Xmas Cheer

This is just TOO cute - I KNOW you'll want to do this yourself!!

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=9597209643

4th WEIGH-IN RESULTS

I lost a pound....woohoo! However, to get to my 5 pound loss, I had to lose 1.6 - so it didn't happen! Disappointing, but whatever :)

I'm a bit miffed though... because I've weighed myself on my own scale before going to each weigh in (wearing the same clothes) and each time, their scale has been different from mine, and by different amounts! The first time, theirs was lower by 2.2, the second time it was lower by .8 and this time it was lower by .6. Now, I know that some of this can be explained by the fact that my scale only goes by .5 increments, but I'm finding I'm feeling a bit put off by the inconsistency. However, I know that I could easily prevent this by (a) NOT weighing myself before I go, and (b) just relaxing because at least it's always been consistently lower!

Hope everyone has a great week!

Things I Remember

I have a really bad memory.... and I mean BAD. I've had friends talk about something that happened only a year ago and they're recounting how funny it was and things I said, and I've had no idea what they're talking about!! The reason I'm telling you this is because these past few months, in trying to figure out WHY I eat like I do, I've been trying to think back to my childhood and maybe find a clue as to when I started to be sneaky about food. It seems that although I have a horrible memory, I remember a lot of UGLY things. I mean, nothing *bad* has really ever happened to me - I had a wonderful childhood and a great family and have tons of wonderful memories - but I remember many key moments where I felt bad about myself. And for whatever reason, these negative food-related moments must have compounded on eachother, helping to lead to self esteem issues, not believing I was worth much or could achieve much, and somewhere I turned to food for comfort. These *ugly* moments include:

• Overhearing my grandmother tell my mother that I was sneaky (I was stunned... until then I didn't know grandmas thought bad things about their grandkids! - have never forgotten it - or the sinking feeling I felt)
• Sneaking food from my parent's friends' cupboards when we were visiting
• Sneaking food into my room.... I remember mixing unsweetened cocoa and icing sugar together and eating it dry with a spoon - and I remember doing this regularly when I was in my teens (this was probably because there was NOTHING junky in the house and this is what I came up with - how creative of me! :P)
• Sneaking granola bars almost daily and thinking my mother wouldn't notice the box was dwindling
• Finding granola bar wrappers in my mother's bedside table (I believe a lot of my behavior was learned)
• Buying junkfood on the way home from junior high and high school every day and hiding the evidence
• Rummaging for food when I babysat
• Worrying that when we had treats in the house (VERY RARE) that I wouldn't get my share
• Eating my university roommate's big bag of chips and then having to buy her another bag and replace it before she noticed (this happened more than once!)

I could go on, but you get the picture. I cringe at each and every one of these memories, but these memories have helped shape me (literally) into who I am today. A vicious circle of wanting something, sneaking it, feeling awful about it, and then either having to sneak it back or just live with my secrets.... either way feel awful about myself, and then want something to make me feel better.

My biggest hope is that I do NOT pass this down to my daughter (or my son for that matter)... I hope that I will be able to see the signs if she starts doing it and be able to help her before it takes over her life. Obviously the best way to help her is to be a good example and to stop doing it myself!

I find it's a very fine line when it comes to junk food. If you never have it in the house (which was how I grew up) then I think you start to covet it and if you ever get the chance, you gobble it up as fast and as much as possible. I know that the minute I had my own money, it was almost always spent on food. I have friends who grew up with it ALWAYS in their house, and for whatever reason, it doesn't call out to them to eat it... maybe because they knew it would always be there if they wanted it. My parents had to COUNT OUT chips because we were all so worried we wouldnt get our *fair* share - it was ridiculous.... to this day none of us can have chips in the house without feeling the need to eat the whole bag (my sister-in-law asked me one day: "So what's with Matt and the chips?!"). With my kids, my strategy is to try to provide the best of both worlds... I'm very passionate about them eating as healthy as possible, but I also try to balance it out with treats so they dont feel deprived or feel that anything is forbidden. But I really dont know how to ensure they adopt healthy eating behaviors besides talking about the importance of putting healthy foods in your body, and making sure their healthy food taste great. I have mixed emotions about trying to manipulate it while feeling like a total hypocrite. My daughter is a chip fanatic, and it worries me SO MUCH!!!! I don't make a big deal about it - afterall she's not the only kid at the chip bowl - but I of course worry that it will lead to something bigger and more detrimental to her physical and emotional well being. And I'm not sure what I can really do to ensure it doesn't.

How do you help your children learn how to limit the unhealthy stuff on their own? Anyone? anyone?!

The Jig is Up

My bingeing jig that is!

Last night my husband and I were *discussing* (read: arguing!) about the lack of intimacy in our relationship and how he feels I don't care about him or want to be with him.... that it's like we're just friends who are bonded by their love for their children. While I know that this is a trap a LOT of parents fall into, he was feeling extremely hurt and was not afraid to show his feelings.

Making a grown man (whom I really DO dearly love) cry was not my finest moment, and in trying to explain why I have created a disconnect (short answer: mostly due to hating how I look and feel, and not wanting to be intimate because of it), I ended up spilling the beans about the sometimes secretive and bingeing nature of my eating. We'd had a similar conversation about 8 months ago wherein I divulged my ultimate secret: MY ACTUAL WEIGHT!!! phew - that one was hard, but this was just as hard - I have NEVER told anyone about my destructive eating secrets (except on here!), so needless to say it was very emotional and very difficult to admit to. However, I also knew while telling him that it would not change how he loves me and that it was safe to tell him.

In all honestly it felt GREAT to get it off my chest.... it was like the last horrible secret that I was keeping from him. Now he knows. He knows I weight 280 pounds, he knows I hide and binge food, he knows I'm addicted, that I feel crazy about my having an inner fat girl demon that I fight tooth and nail about 500 times a day. I was very glad to be able to tell him that I did not binge this time (while he was away) and that I feel I'm making some real progress.

I really hope I'm right.

Weighing in

Keeping myself in check over the past 5 days or so finally showed some results on the scale today. Althought I didn't go to an official WW weigh in, my scale shows me with a loss, and the scale at WW always weighs me in as less (gotta love that!), so I'm looking forward to my regular meeting this Saturday. It will have been 2 weeks, but it will be great to see a loss - I'm hoping to reach my mini goal of 5 pounds lost..... I'm confident it will happen......I am woman, hear me roar :)

I'm around, just going a little crazy

Well hello there.... :)

I've been absent... not sure why.... but I think because I've been so busy and a tad stressed out. It's hard with the husband away for many reasons... trying to exercise (which I've hardly done any of), trying to eat healthy (I've done OK), the risk of bingeing (which I'm happy to report I haven't done - yay me!), and dealing with a 3 year old with a burgeoning attitude and a one year old who's learning everything he needs to know from his sister, and never getting a break unless they're both sleeping.... could that be why I'm posting this at 1am??!!

Tonight, as I tried to convince my daughter to eat her brocolli, she said this to me in a very mommy-like voice: "Mommy, I'm not too happy with you right now. I think you should go to your bedroom and think about things. How does that sound?". I was in shock. Partly because I'm still amazed when I hear these out of the blue articulate sentences from her, and partly because I was hearing me admonishing her - I say a variation of this sentence about 20 times a day - I was listening to myself! And it's hard to hear yourself come back to you from a 3 year old's mouth. I tried to be serious and tell her that it wasn't a nice way to talk to me, but it sounded ridiculous even to me... so I ended up laughing instead.

But she still had to eat her brocolli :)

Anyway, the husband gets home tomorrow, and I'm hoping to get out of the house and do some *me* things this week before he leaves again on Saturday. I have dates with girlfriends lined up on Tues, Wed AND Thurs nights!! woo hoo..... I haven't been away from the kids in 12 days, and I cant wait to get into that car alone :) The poor husband's a bit upset that I'm not planning some romantic evenings in, but honestly, I NEED to get out!

I wasn't able to make my Saturday morning weigh in this week, and now I'm trying to decide whether I go in on Tuesday morning or if I wait til next Saturday. blah

I'm trying to keep my head up and not feel down on myself. My home scale reflects my effort these past 10 days - no loss, no gain, and I can't use my husband's absence as an excuse as why I haven't found the time or will to exercise. I know I need to find a way to eat healthy and get moving even when I'm on my own. My one victory is that I did not go bonkers on a binge.

I've been perusing a ton of blogs tonight..... you guys are ALL SO INSPIRING and you got me off my lazy blogging butt and posting - so thanks!!

2nd WEIGH-IN RESULTS

I gained .2 pounds. Sucks. But whatever. I did really well this week in terms of when and how I ate and I'm hoping the plan I've put in place for the next week and a half will see a better result next week. I'm hoping the *gain* is mostly due to it being TOM, but I wont make excuses, I could have done much better in my exercise efforts.

In the big scheme of things, .2 is such a piddly amount! I'd rather gain a pound I think as it has more meaning for me. But I guess it's nice to see such a SMALL gain :) ...... .2 - pfffffft!

What's also disappointing (and perhaps detrimental) is that I couldn't stay for the meeting today as I had to bring the kiddies along. Usually Saturday mornings are MINE.. I walk to and from my meeting which is 45 minutes each way, stopping for a sub from Subway on my way home. Having my husband be away for today and the next THREE Saturdays just, well it SUCKS!

Oh well, hope all you Canadians have a great long weekend!!

Husband away = SCARY times!

So my husband left yesterday for a business trip for 12 days. He travels once in a while for work, and I manage to stay sane as a temporary single mom, however this time I'm finding myself in a big panic about eating while he's away.

First of all, he's the cook in our house. He LOVES to cook and I consider myself very lucky, however I find it's also made me quite lazy. On the whole I usually eat terribly when he's not here (not necessarily always WHAT I eat, but more like HOW). It's very rare that I'll actually MAKE something for myself and sit down and eat it... it's microwave this, heat up that, graze, graze and more grazing. And all while preparing my kids' healthy balanced meals (I know - it's messed up). When he's away is also when I usually have a nice binge session... probably because it's so easy... I don't have to worry about him finding any evidence, I can buy whatever I want when I go grocery shopping (we usually do this as a family), and I can look forward to when the kids are both in bed and I can sit down and pig out with no chance of being found out.

It's a mind frame I'm REALLY struggling with. That just cause he's away, doesn't mean I have license to eat crap, and I know it's this really immature part of me that feels *free* from watchful eyes (sort of like when your parents left you home alone), and that I need to take advantage of it. In reality he doesn't really watch me - probably because he hasn't a clue about the binges or my sneaking junk.

The addictive and habitual side of me is really feeling the pull of a good old comforting yummy filling binge (picture a fat girl with pom poms leading a binge cheer... give me a *B*!! give me an *I*!!.....). The only thing holding me back is that the inner healthy girl really wants to have a good weigh in tomorrow, and so keep telling myself that if I really want something then I can have it tomorrow on my *high points* day. I'm hoping I have a good weigh in and then just wont want it. I have to say that I'm happy I'm actually feeling *panicked* about him being away. Usually I secretly look forward to it! At least I'm being conscious about my binge and junk demons and not going into automatic binge pilot :)

I have tried to set myself up for success over the next 12 days by planning out my meals and stocking the house with healthy food. Exercise is a bit tougher, as I'm not able to get out for my long walks (walking with the kids does NOT equal cardio - think: "I want to get out and walk" - "Now I want to get in" - "You're walking too fast") . I have a few videos and of course the treadclimber. I just have to get my butt in gear and workout after they're both in bed. Unfortunately it's the LAST thing I feel like doing in the evening, cause I just feel exhausted. And the mornings are hard because they wake up at different times everyday. But I guess I will just have to. It will be good for my mental and emotional states as well. I do NOT know how single moms do it - I have much admiration!!

Wish me luck and send lots of *no binging* vibes!!

Help! I've been tagged and I can't get up!

I'm bored, and dont feel like talking about my weight, so thought I'd post *7 weird/random things about me* to go along with the tag game that's going around - a big shout out of thanks to my tag buddy Becky :)

1. I was born in Halifax, NS. My Dad was in the Navy, and we moved around a lot. I've lived in Halifax, Ottawa and also in England - twice! I LOVE England and would live there again in a second.

2. When I was 17, my soccer team made it to the National Championships and we won silver!

3. I have a Masters degree in online learning... I finished my thesis and graduated when I was 8 months pregnant with my 1st baby... it was nice to have a *good* reason why my graduation gown made me look like I was wearing a tent!

4. After months of trying, getting tested and waiting, my husband and I were told by a fertility specialist that we had less than 1% chance of conceiving on our own. He set us up for IVF treatments and we went home feeling devastated but also hopeful. It seems we also felt frisky; as we had sex and conceived THAT night!! I have been pregnant 3 times since that meeting (1 miscarriage, 2 kids) and we're now thinking about having a 3rd, so I guess we beat the odds. I love our story as I like to think it gives hope to anyone who's been told they can't conceive... you NEVER know - your body and what it can do is a miracle!

5. My husband is from Israel and is Jewish. Although he is not religious at all, it was important to him that our kids be Jewish. This can only be *passed on* by the mother, and so I converted to Judaism before we married. I was raised United (Protestant) and although was raised going to church, do not consider myself a religious person, but believe more in spirituality and loving your neighbor, being a good person.... etc etc. I believe that if there is a God, then there is only one of *him* and so I don't think it matters what religion you are. Our children will choose their own religious/spiritual path, but at least this way, if they choose to be Jewish, they wont have to go through the year-long conversion process like I did!!

6. When I was 23, I picked up my life in Ottawa and drove out to Vancouver with my roommate from university to start a new life. We had no place to live and no jobs, friends etc. 14 years later, and I'm still here!! Love it, but at the same time hate the high cost of living here and the ridiculously inflated value of real estate. We are now thinking of moving to Ottawa or we may even be moving to Israel next spring!

7. And now for the weirdest thing about me (HAD to put something strange in!): I can NOT have Ivory soap (the bath bars) in the house...... because there is something about it that compels me to want to EAT it!! Weird eh?! And yes, I HAVE tasted it - just to prove to myself that it doesn't taste good (it doesn't)... but I still WANT to eat it. Gives new meaning to the phrase "wash your mouth out with soap".... mmmmmm yummy! haha

My Celebrity Look-alikes!

I can see Charlotte Church - but Nicole Richie??!! I'm honored to have Kate Winslet in the mix, though, I think she's beautiful!

On a side note, I did this with a more realistic picture (ie FAT), and it gave me a whole different set of pictures... much more unnattractive, including Brendan Fraser (who is cute as a GUY), so I think I'll stick to my thin-looking picture thank you very much!!

1st WEIGH-IN RESULTS

In my *first* week of re-commitment I have lost 3.6 pounds. It's good, but it could have been better. Of course, having Halloween hit in the middle of my first week back didn't help, but I take full responsibility for my behavior.... I mean the little chocolate bars ARE the devil, but they didn't MAKE me eat them! I chose to indulge, however I indulged WAAAAY less than I would have 2 weeks ago. I could have eaten about 50 of those little guys, but I only ate about 10. So I consider that a victory!!

So I am celebrating my 3.6 pound loss. I'll take it... it's a small baby step toward a bigger goal, and hey, I'm out of the 280's, and I play to make that permanent :)

The best reason of all

I've been thinking alot about my kids and how they relate to my weight loss. I know that ultimately I need to lose weight for ME, for my health, my happiness.... and that I will be a better, healthy and happier mommy because of it. As most moms do, I think about how I would cope if I ever lost either or both of them, and it's an image that can immediately bring me to tears. I know that people DO lose their kids and that life goes on, and I guess if it happened to me, my life would go on too. But I honestly don't know how I would ever be able to get out of bed again. Or how I'd ever not turn to food.

But that's not why I'm writing this post... I wanted to really reflect about about my kids losing ME. I'm very lucky that at my age (37), height (5'8") and weight (280), that I'm actually quite healthy. I walk a lot, blood pressure and cholestrol are fine, have had 2 very healthy pregnancies, have no problems with my legs, joints or feet, and I am able to play and run with my kids.... maybe this is why I forget sometimes how fat I really am. I consider myself a very lucky, healthy FAT person. HOWEVER, I also know that I am totally taking my health for granted, and that as I get older, my weight IS going to start affecting my overall health and it's going to create other weight-related issues if I don't turn things around now.

And it could KILL me. Prematurely. And I would leave my kids without a mother. And I wouldn't see them grow up and become wonderful human beings and find happiness, and maybe have kids of their own.

I know this. I REALLY REALLY understand the truth of this. And that's why I'm just astounded that it hasn't been a big enough motivation to stop my self-destructive habits. Why wouldn't my worst fear stop me dead in my tracks and make me NOT eat a freaking stupid mini chocolate bar? Or worse - 10 of them? Forget looking hot, wearing cute clothes, feeling sexy, confident and proud - all good reasons for losing weight - why isn't the thought of not being here for my kids enough??!! Why do I put food before THAT? Why do I choose food over being a full participant in their lives and over being IN their lives for a long time to come?

I know I'm not the only mom that feels this way. I know being fat doesn't make me a bad mom.... I know berating myself for being fat doesn't help anything but create a vicious circle, but I just can't believe that I am choosing - with every unhealthy choice - to take such a huge risk with my life and the lives of my kids.... and for what? For food?

I'm stronger than that - I know I am. I only have to look at my precious kids and feel their unconditional love to know that I'm worth far far more that this.

have you seen my mommy?!

I felt I had to post a picture of my little cowboy too... after all he helps make up the main reason for wanting to lose weight.... who wouldn't want to be a thin cool mom who is able to participate FULLY in the lives of these 2 kidlets?!!

As you can probably see, I've cropped myself out of this picture as I wanted to post it on Facebook. In my mind it was the CUTEST picture, as we were dressed exactly alike (I borrowed my husband's shirt in the exact fabric - an XL by the way, and it SOOO didn't fit me). Hate when I have an image of what I think a picture is going to look like, and then I see it, and think - goddamnit I'm fat!.... pppffffttt.....trust me, the picture's cuter like this - although you'll notice I wasn't able to crop out the one ginormous boob! :)

PS: STILL hating those $%^& chocolate bars!

One of THOSE days!

Do you every have one of those days where you start the day and feel immediately off track?? Maybe it's because I prefer to be super organized and usually have my day planned out in my head..... ok ok, I can't lie.... I usually have a list :) Anyway, I digress... I was up a few times last night with a sick toddler and a teething baby and so when my son woke up at 6:40am, I decided to ignore his crying (I know - bad mommy) and see if he'd go back to sleep... this has never worked before, but miraculously it worked today!! I plunked my toddler into bed with with me and turned on Barney (I know I know - it wasn't a stellar parenting day but I was SOOO tired!) and fell into a pseudo sleep (1 ear on the toddler), not waking til 8:20am which usually wouldn't be a problem, but it was a preschool day, and I had 40 minutes to get everyone up, cleaned, fed, clothed and out the door. PLUS they were having a halloween party, so I had to get her all dressed up AND make a fruit platter... whew!

ANYWAY, we made it. But..... usually when we get home, I pop baby back into bed and make myself breakfast and sometimes even exercise (in my house on a machine - I DONT go out for a walk... just making sure, as perhaps you were still questioning my parenting skills!).... however since he'd slept in, he was in no mood to sleep, and since it's rare I have time just with him, we hung out for a while... then I folded laundry, cleaned upstairs. and all of a sudden it was time to go and pick her up again.

So no breakfast. And no exercise. Which then got me all out of whack.. should I still have my breakfast (I eat the same one everyday)? Or should I just have lunch? blah blah blah ohhh the conundrums of stay at home mom :)

Anyway... although I realize I'm blabbing, I'm telling you all this because I'm proud of the fact that although I (obviously) get off track easily, I stayed on schedule for the rest of the day, which left me with 8 (breakfast) points to play with PLUS I walked 5k this evening, so I'm way below my daily points. Which is ok, cause I was a bit above for the last 2 days, so it all works out :)

OH and I managed to only eat 4 (there were 10) of the Halloween chocolate bars my daughter brought back from preschool... I blame the bars and the fact that they obviously have flashing neon lights with the words *eat me* eat me* eat me* all over them. DAMN those #$%^& chocolate bars.. hate 'em - HATE 'EM!!!! ok I love them. but damn them anyway :)

Here's a couple of pictures of Maya in her Snow White costume... I mean how cute is she?!!

Oh and thanks to all those who posted supportive comments to my Sunday post.... y'all are so great :)

Updated with yet another pic because...well, because I'm a proud Mommy :)

Mommy the bad blogger

Haha.... but seriously.. as usual when I'm feeling out of control of my eating, I ignore my blog. Which is pretty hard to do since I link to all my fellow bloggers FROM my blog and I usually go to each person's blog at least once a day. The funny thing about this, is that when I get to one of these blogs, I'm always disappointed if they haven't posted anything new!! Oh, the irony of it all :)

The good thing about this is that I am reminded daily (usualy twice!) that I need to buck up and get back on the wagon. Plus the fact that so many of you have the courage to blog through your bad moments, choices, days and sometimes weeks - and the fact that I enjoy reading these posts because I can so relate - has brought me back..... back once again to being accountable.

I made a major decision this week. I went to a Weight Watchers meeting. After 4 months of trying to do this on my own, and then 6 more months of doing WW online, I'm really no further along. And I'm wondering if one of the reasons for this is because it's too easy not to weigh myself when I'm feeling like I gained, and because there's really no consequence if I don't (except feeling like a failure, self-hatred, etc... you know, all THOSE wonderful feelings!).

I also had a fight with my husband over my whole weight *thing*. And it was only a fight because I made it into one, as when I get confronted about my bad habits, I like to get extremely defensive and go into blame mode or the *you dont understand* mode.... and we end of fighting. blah. This is totally NOT fair to my wonderful husband as he is SOOO supportive, but had gotten so frustrated watching me these past few weeks that he felt he had to say something (he knows where this usually leads, and so it takes guts to bring it up!). He knows how much my weight holds me back and how unhappy I am with myself and just wants me to be a happier healthier person. All he did was ask (gently) whether we should be spending money on all these weight loss foods and tools (like exercise equipment) when I'd spent the week eating halloween candy, eating out and not exercising - especially since we're down to one income again. Totally a valid question, but it sent me into a guilt-ridden tirade. Not fair to him and he was so upset and I cant imagine how frustrating it must be for someone who doesn't have one food issue (NOT ONE!) to understand why I struggle so, and I felt awful as he has not done anything except be supportive. I mean I asked him if we could not have pop in the house as it's a trigger food for me, and he gave up pop at home.... and then he finds the bag of little chocolate bars half empty! Totally not fair.

Anyway, since I dont seem to be able to hold myself accountable, I thought maybe if I was accountable to someone else's scale and if I had to PAY to stand on that scale, then maybe it will help. I dont know. I hope so. I've done meetings before, and I know this all starts and ends with me and my brain and until I make the necessary connections and decisions and more importantly put them into action, then I'll be wearing this fat coat forever. I know I CAN do this... I feel inspired and focused, and I've just taken another action to help propel me forward, so yay for small victories and here's to a good first week weigh-in! *clink*

Oh, and I thought this was funny.... as I sat in my meeting, I looked around and thought 'wow there are a lot of *older* women here.... I wish there were more people my age.. maybe someone I could become WW buddies with or something'... I felt a little let down, and then as I was walking home it struck me that I am pretty much the SAME age as those *older* women.... I am closing in on 40 after all!!! I obviously still think of myself as being in my early 30's... I'm just starting to understand the phrases: *young at heart* and *you're only as old as you feel*... guess I'll cozy on up to one of those *old* ladies next week and see if I can make a connection :)

Mommy the hypocrite

What's wrong with THIS picture:

BREAKFAST

2 1/2 year old:
cheerios, bran buds and mini wheats (with bran - no sugar) - she chooses this combo and loves it!
with:
1% milk
unsweetened dried cranberries
tsp bee pollen (a natural source of sweetness and energy)
tsp whey protein

1/2 cup blueberries

1 year old
cheerios (to keep him happy til I make the rest of his breakfast!)
1/2 cup blueberries
steel oat porridge mixed with pureed prunes, banana and apple

ME:
water

LUNCH

2 1/2 year old:
whole wheat pasta with flax oil and parmesan
half piece of whole wheat bread with almond butter
carrot sticks
yogurt (sweetened with fruit juice)
apple sauce

1 year old:
whole wheat pasta with flax oil and soy *parmesan* (has a dairy sensitivity)
half piece of whole wheat bread with almond butter
steamed cauliflower and brocolli (he eats this twice a day - loves it!!)
soy yogurt
1 kiwi
strawberries

ME:
bits and bites of kids' meals
piece of cheese
egg

I was out with a girlfriend for supper, so not sure what the kids ate for theirs, but since my husband follows my lead, I know it was healthy and balanced!!

It hit me today how much thought and energy I put into what my kids eat, but sadly I don't spend even 1/2 of that on myself. Now granted today was a bad day for eating (I usually eat a healthy breakfast and lunch), but it could easily be a typical one - and used to be. I know this is a trap a lot of moms fall into... making sure everyone else around them is getting what they need, and neglecting themselves. I'm sure it's why a lot of moms gain weight.... you spend all day on everyone else and then end up binging or just grabbing whatever's convenient when you have a moment to yourself. Today I just couldn't seem to find the time to sit and eat 2 healthy meals. This is a cop out though, as I did have time to both go on facebook and talk to a girlfriend for 15 minutes. Could have eaten instead of doing these 2 things... but anyway....just another example of where my priorities are and how I know that if I don't make eating healthy one of my top ones, then weight loss is just never going to happen.

Anyway, although I'm happy my kids are good eaters and like to eat the healthy food I give them, I know there will come a day when they will notice what and how I eat, and so far I'm not always setting a very good example!! Plus, my mom was overweight and I used to find the food she hid. I learned my exceptional food hiding skills from her and am terrified that I will pass on that and other bad habits to my kids. I do NOT want them to be overweight and live their lives always conscious of their size and it holding them back from being completely happy and living up to their potential.

Maybe I should just eat what they eat.... lots of fruits, veggies, fiber, whole wheat, lean protein, good fats, very little sugar.... hey, wait a minute, isn't that what Weight Watchers advocates?? hmmmmmm interesting.....The 'Eat What I Feed My Kids' Diet...... I'll write a book about it, be on Oprah, and become a millionaire.... yeah, that's it :)

Once upon a time a fat girl went curling.....

Last night I went curling!! I was asked by a friend of mine if I wanted to join a novice league on Sunday nights, and I agreed to try it out. Originally it was because he cornered me at a birthday party we were at on Saturday and was very convincing at how much fun it would be, and me, being someone who hates disappointing people, said yes. And then I spent the next 24 hours trying to figure out if I really DID want to go, or if I should try and blow it off.

I went. And I had a blast!!! I had never curled before, and didn't know what to expect, but I really loved it. I only knew one person (my friend) out of 24 people, which is always intimidating for me, but I sucked it up and was determined to have fun, or at least have fun learning a new sport. Plus, hey - it's activity, and I've been in dire need of that lately :)

On a fat-related note, my weight didn't factor into my decision to agree to go, in fact I didn't even think about being fat..... until I was driving to the rink. I was suddenly struck by the thought "What if I'm too fat to curl?" I mean I'd seen curlers on TV and when they were throwing the rock they were in this long lunge..... lunge?? I havent done anything close to a lunge in over 2 years! And all of a sudden, I was scared. What if I fell on the ice? (I didn't) ,What if I was the biggest person there? (I was), What if I couldn't do the lunge thing? (I could, although not as good as the chick in the picture!)...and wait, what about sweeping?? I recalled people running along with the rock sweeping agressively in front of it... oh god, what if I cant keep up with it?! (I did). And then I thought "well my friend wouldn't have asked me to play if he thought I was too fat would he??" hmmm.. maybe he hasn't noticed!!! haha.. I kid. But it's funny to me how much I project MY self-conscious fat thoughts into OTHER people's thoughts, when in reality I doubt he even gave it a thought. He likes me, knows I'm sociable, knows I like sports, and thought I'd be a good addition to the league. So thank you Russ.

It's amazing how much doubt crept into my thoughts about my ability and potential just because I'm fat. Until then, I hadn't even thought of these things, I had just thought 'I hope I have fun'.

I'm glad I didn't let my fear keep me from going as I would have missed out on a really fun opportunity, and I think I've found another sport that I love playing.... and I think I could be really good at it! Now I just hope I'll be able to climb stairs without wincing soon.... my thighs kill like an SOB - darn lunges :)

A funny funny gal :)

If you haven't checked out Karaoke Kitty's blog yet, you absolutely have to... she has a hilarious way of writing about the embarrassing consequences of being fat. Her most recent post lamenting about her big butt made me laugh out loud... the truth hurts, but it's good to be able to laugh about it too :)

Check it out!!!

http://101reasonsihatebeingfat.blogspot.com/

A completely different person

Who is this girl?? Well this is who I think I am... this girl reflects who I feel I am inside. I'm so used to seeing pictures of myself and wondering in disbelief who this fat woman is, that when I see a picture of myself where you can't really see my fat, I could stare at it for hours. Can anyone relate??

We took this picture while on our beach vacation in Eilat in the south of Israel 2 weeks ago... one of those self-shots (Marius is holding the camera). These are the only pictures I like of myself these days as if I angle my head right, you can hardly tell I'm fat. Anyway, I knew when we took this one, that this would be one of THOSE pictures... one that I can look admiringly at and say 'hey, I look pretty'. Rare.

Anyway, I've been absent from blogging. Got home from my vacation and had gained 2 pounds, which really is good, considering I was hardly ever on plan while I was away (didn't track, but tried to make healthy choices)... however, for whatever reason I went into a sort of tailspin for a week.... even had a junk food binge, which I haven't done in over 4 months now. Felt horrible, but of course in tailspin mode, it led to more bad choices over the next couple of days. I'm trying to be kind to myself as it was a tough week re-adjusting back to being home... kids took a while to get over the 10 hour time difference, I felt exhausted from the 20 hour trip, and I spent 4 days doing laundry and cleaning the house and being a single mommy again. Got sort of used to having hubby and grandparents around to help with the kids!! All that and I was blessed with the arrival of TOM.... when it rains, it pours, I tell ya!!

But enough of the excuses. I'm back.... out of the tailspin and in a better frame of mind. Hope to get back into the swing of things and start tracking and exercising again.

Hi, my name is Leslie and I'm a LISTAHOLIC

Last night I was bored and so started to outline HOW I was going to lose weight for the rest of the year and then until June when we return to Israel for my brother-in-law's wedding.

Does anyone else do this?? Outline their plan and weight loss goals... like "I'll lose 8 pounds each month, which will put me at X weight by June, and I wont do this, this or this and I'll exercise in THIS exact fashion"... lists and graphs, and charts etc etc etc.... I do this ALL THE TIME. I think because it makes me feel like it's doable when I see it all neatly laid out.... and I get all excited because I'm sure it will work... and it will work IF it is actually followed. This is where things always falls apart: plan EXECUTION. I'm a procrastinator at heart... LOVE to make lists of what I'm GOING to do - have lists of lists that cross-reference other lists. LOVE to make lists (did I already say this?!). However it's the follow through that I suck at. I know that if I just DID something instead of spending an hour making a list, that I'd get much more done. I'm really working on that. I have to stop the 'I'll do it later' mentality, as I've realized in the last few months that not only does it affect my daily life in terms of getting things done, but it also affect my weight loss goals... as I allow myself to indulge saying 'well, I'll get back on plan tomorrow'.

Anyway, not sure why I'm blabbing on about this, I guess because these thoughts struck me once again as I was laying out yet ONE more perfect plan for weight loss. The foundation of this plan of course is that I will start this wonderful strategy the MINUTE :) I get home (ha - and as I wrote this, I said to myself, 'well maybe I'll give myself a day to get back into the swing of things'.....AHHHHHHHHH I really am my worst enemy).

I know that it IS helpful to write down your goals and strategies, but I know it's also detrimental to just write these things down and NOT follow through. I run the risk that the not-so-quiet voice in my head that says I CAN'T do this will be proved right once again and therefore make this journey just that much more harder.

It is exciting to see the plan on paper though :-P

Waterslides anyone??!!

Today I disregarded my weight (would love to say 'forgot my weight', but that's pushing it!!) and went on all the water slides at the waterpark we went to today and had a blast. In doing so, I managed to overcome my fear of being told the following:

"Sorry, but you look like you exceed the weight limit on this slide" (dont know if slides HAVE weight limits, but I guess not since I'm sure I would have exceeded them. Regardless, as I stood in line to get on the slide, I had the thought that perhaps I would have to step on some giant scale before I sat (oh so gracefully of course) down on the top of the slide!! Thankfully there was no scale, and i just whooshed away :)

OR

"Sorry, but pregnant women cant go on the slides" (acckkkk I would have just died!!)

I also managed to get over the fear that I would generate a tsunami at the bottom of the slide and send the lifeguards splashing wildly out of their seats :) This of course is silly, but it entered my mind along with all the other fat-related thoughts, like: do fat people go faster on the slides? Felt like it :)

Today I didn't care that I was fat and just had fun with my family, and it was damn worth it!!! However, as usual, I long wait for the day when my weight has no bearing on what I do or how I feel about doing it.

Now I just have to make sure the video of me screaming like a crazy woman as I whipped down one of the slides doesn't make it onto Utube like my husband threatened... he's watched it at least 8 times, laughing hysterically :)

* UPDATED: video has now been watched countless times by all my inlaws and my husband's extended family. Since they only speak hebrew, I have no idea what they're saying after they finish laughing...I'm sure it's complimentary though, right?! ;)

back from the 4-day buffet :)

So we're back from our all-inclusive vacation in the south of Israel... 4 days of playing in the pool, lazying by the beach and eating ALL YOU CAN EAT.....AHHHHHHHHHH, can you say feeding frenzy?? I've come to hate buffet meals... there's something about the perception of it being "free" and never-ending that has always sent me into almost a panic.... like I HAVE to eat everything. I find it really hard to control myself and not try everything in sight. Anyway, I gave myself a day to go to town on breakfast, lunch and dinner, and then I felt I'd tried everything, and could make healthy choices for the next 3 days. And I did pretty good! The good thing is that although Israelis LOVE their food and eat a lot, their diet is actually quite healthy. They eat TONS of veggies... in fact they eat salad for breakfast! There was hardly any fruit, but tons of veggies at the breakfast buffet. Also, because they dont eat meat and dairy at the same meal, there was no meat at breakfast, so no temptation in bacon and sausages and such....which would have been a HUGE stumbling block for me. They eat very little processed foods, they are meat and veggie people, and so it was easy to find healthy choices. Also, because no dairy at lunch or dinner, the desserts weren't great... and there was no butter/marg for bread etc..... perfect!

Anyway, we had a fantastic time. Kids were completely over their stomach flu by the time we got there, I spent copious amounts of time in my bathing suit (yay me) and just relaxed and had fun. Israels also arent that conservative, and there were lots of heavy people in bathing suits - bikinis even! - and so I didn't feel that self conscious.

Have no idea what my weight is, but will be making sure I make good choices for the next 10 days so that I dont see a gain when I get home. Unfortunately, exercise for the sake of exercise is nil because I just cant stand the heat, but we do get out for walks and sightseeing almost daily, so I'm not just sitting on my butt :)

I've been reading everyone's blogs daily and I must say you're all extremely inspiring (AND entertaining) :)

A few pictures....

Thought I'd post a few pics of our trip so far (we're 1 week in - 2 1/2 to go!)..... let it be known that everywhere else I will be posting pictures, I doubt I will be in any of them, so this is actually quite freeing ......to just put myself out there. And surprise surprise, I actually don't think I look THAT bad :)

This is a view of beautiful Tel Aviv from the old city

The family

Exploring the winding streets of the 'old city'

(this one's for you, Becks) - just a glimpse of the yummy baked goods found on every street corner - AKA what I'm up against :) And yes, I ate one - well I ate half of one of the ones on the bottom - it was filled with ooey gooey warm cheese and meat.... heaven....

Don't have too many exciting pictures to post as both kids are still sick and so we haven't been getting out and doing anything too fun. We leave tomorrow for our all-inclusive trip down south, so hopefully the barfing will subside soon!!

The curse of the tummy bug

I know I haven't been a good blogger (tsk tsk on me), but I truly don't have much to blog about... weight and eating-wise anyway. Both of my kids have come down with tummy bugs or something and have been barfing since Saturday. Nothing more fun than being on vacation and cleaning up puke 3-4 times a day!! Especially when the inlaws have the tiniest washing machine ever made and no dryer. Thank god I brought tons of pjs with me, although last night I had to resort to dressing my 11 month old (son) in my 2 1/2 year old's pink shortie pjs. Was quite cute... except for the barf that led up to it.

My husband just took Matthew to the emergency room, because although he's still drinking and is active and in good spirits, he really hasn't eaten solids in 4 days and 5 days really is a long time to be barfing. I'm sure he's fine, but we want to make sure.

I seem to have a mild form of what they have, and feel a tad queazy, and without getting into the gory details, am not keeping anything *in*.... if you know what I mean :) Not a nice experience, but hey my waistbands feel looser! Isn't it sad that I feel a bit of gratitude for whatever's made a home in my tummy?? I think it is, but what can you do.

Hope everyone's healthy and barf-free.... will post later with hopefully something more uplifting!!

Things to be thankful for!

If you live in Israel:

1) When your kids go on field trips, they are accompanied by someone wearing a semi-automatic rifle slung over their shoulder.....

2) Your car is checked for bombs at the entrance to underground mall parking lots by security. This includes looking in your trunk and under your car using a mirror

3) Your bags are checked as you enter a mall from any entrance for firearms/bombs

4) There is a military presence everywhere you go - and they all carry the semi-automatic rifles

5) Don't look for politeness from anyone. Now Canada overdoes this sometimes, but here it's hard to come by.... it's every man for himself and in the 4 days I've been here, I've seen arguments between drivers, people in lineups at the supermarket and at the airport..... men and women alike. It would seem that Israelis do not have a lot of patience!

6) If you live in a building built in the last 20 years, then your apartment/house has a 'saferoom' built in - basically a bomb shelter. My inlaws place is old, so the 'safe' place is the bathroom!

7) This is noted above, but deserves it's own mention - driving here is crazy... no one lets you in, people cut in front of you all the time, traffic jams everywhere because people wont give an inch, and horns honking all the time.... I'm white knuckling it most of the time!!!

The GOOD:

8) If you have fertility issues, the government will pay for any fertility treatments, how ever many times you need it, until you (hopefully) conceive. There seem to be babies EVERYWHERE!! and lots of twins :) But how great is that??!!

So life is very different here, and yes, it's a bit scary to think that the places you're going could be targeted by a suicide bomber, however I don't really find that this affects me that much... maybe because it just seems too surreal? And Israelis certainly don't go around fearing it. If it wasn't for the security and military presence everywhere, you wouldn't even know that bombings are even a threat (they don't let it affect living their lives).

On an eating note, things have been quite good. The inlaws eat their biggest meal for lunch and then hardly eat supper. I've been following the trend and I'm actually not really hungry in the evening. There is no scale here, so who knows what's going on with the weight, but my pants don't feel tight or anything, and that's WITH the bloating from both TOM (groan.... I didn't even mention the primitive plumbing here!) and the heat :)

PHEW....we made it!!

Shalom my good friends :)

Oh my god... I do NOT recommend travelling for 18 hours with 2 kids under 3. I just would NOT do it if there was any other choice :) It was hell, but it's over, we made it, and I just woke up from a 12 hour sleep and feel half human again :)

A few things I observed along the way:

1) When taking off and landing, I looked/felt like a bowl of jello... meaning that EVERYTHING was jiggling. It would be comical if not so sad and pathetic :) I snuck a look at my husband, and yes he was vibrating from the movement, but I didn't see any jiggling. Will not be taking a movie of me during takeoff or landing anytime soon :)

2) The best way to stay awake for 18 hours of flying and hanging out in airports?? EAT!! Mix it with a few diet cokes and you're laughing.... sometimes hysterical (as in out of your mind), but it DOES do the trick.... just keep stuffing your body with food and it won't realize that you haven't slept in 2 days. Bottom line: my choices were not always healthy, and I gave myself license to eat whatever was around because of the sometimes stressful circumstances. It's done, and I'm not apologizing for it - I deserved (with a capital D) that bag of chips!

3) Taking 10 hours to watch ONE movie in 5 minute increments is not my idea of a good time.

4) 12 hour flights suck.

5) Getting off a plane wearing a hoodie because your white T-shirt (why oh why did I wear a white t-shirt?!!) is covered in baby food, baby barf and drool, and having 35 degrees of humidity punch you in the face is also not fun. Instant sweat-o-rama.... thankfully I had thought to bring an extra shirt to change into - I hope the inlaws appreciated it! (On a side note here, I would have changed into the extra shirt ON the plane, but even going to the bathroom in one of those coffins is a frustrating experience when you're fat; using it as a changing room may have sent me over the edge.)

So there you have it. Jiggling, eating, praying that my 11 month old would JUST STOP SCREAMING AND FALL ASLEEP ALREADY!!!!!, chugging diet cokes like they were the last drink on earth, not sleeping and capping it all off with buckets of sweat. That was my last 2 days. Hoping the next 30 will be better and will be trying NOT to think about trip home :)

Shalom out.

Last post from Canada....

Well, for the month of September anyway!

We leave tomorrow morning.... have to be out of the house by 5am... am in the midst of the chaos that ensues when you're trying to pack for 2 adults, a toddler and a baby and all the paraphernalia that is required for each age group :) I'm getting in my activity points for sure today just with all the running around I'm doing!!

I did take a quick break at 5 to get a pedicure... gotta have nice nails when you leave on vacation :) ... the best thing about this trip is that we get to have an extended summer.. it's in the high 20's PLUS humidity there this time of year, so while we've been switching to fall clothes here in Vancouver, we get another month's wear out of our summer stuff!

I will be online most days as my inlaws have highspeed, so I'll still be posting, although I dont think I'll be weighing in as I dont believe they have a scale. I will be trying my very best to make the healthiest choices and to get out exercising (although not sure I'll be able to in the heat?)..... and will definitely be checking in on all of you guys for inspiration, so BE GOOD!!!!

By the way, the picture is a roadsign with a camel on it... taken on our trip to Israel in 2005 - you dont see many of these in North America!!

HO HUM....

blah, I feel so boring.. feel like I should be posting here more often to a) keep myself accountable and to b) use this as an outlet for the hunger-inducing feelings that sneak up and try to bite my butt everyday :)

Anyway, I weighed in today - my Monday *reality check* and am the same as last Thursday. This is ok, in fact sort of unbelievable as I have already used up my flex points. Just hope I can successfully do what I did last week - adjust my points down to compensate and still lose by my real weigh-in on Thursday.

Unfortunately I'm not going to be able to weigh myself at my normal time on Thursday as we'll be on a plane to Toronto on our way to Israel!! I usually weigh myself at 9:30am because that's my *thinnest* time of the day. Yes, that's right folks - 9:30am!! I'm usually at least 1 pound lighter than at 7am when I wake up.... I know, I'm crazy, but hey - it's a WHOLE pound lighter!!

We had a wee bit of drama as we originally booked our flights on Friday, but when we called the airline to ask about our seat assignments, they kindly informed us that our flight to Isreal had been changed to Thursday, however our flight to Toronto was still on Friday!! We booked these flights back in January on points, and they made the change in March and no one ever called us to let us know! We couldn't believe it. Anyway, we are a tad irate! We would have arrived on Friday for our flights and would have been told there was no way we'd make it to Isreal. Grrrr

Anyway, we were lucky enough to get on a Thursday morning flight, and so now we're leaving a day earlier, which makes it seem SO much more sooner! Thankfully I already have my list made of what we're taking... the next few days will be packing packing packing!!

Hope everyone's doing well and have a good week!

WEEK 10 RESULTS!

So can I just say that I am THRILLED at my results this week.... 2.5 pounds since I last weighed in! If I could do a graceful cartwheel at my weight, I would! If you read regularly, you know that last week I did NOT post due to falling off the wagon HARD... however, I did my very best this week.... I kept within my points, and lost all the weight I gained and then some. I am now below my pre-vacation weight.. yay for me! Since last Thursday I have lost 6 pounds! Of course this is because it was basically like being on week 1 since it's been so long since I was onplan, but whatever, I'll take it!

On a side note, both Saturday and Monday were pretty bad days for eating and I used up all my flex on these 2 days PLUS 8 points, however I merely lowered my points by 4 on both Sunday and Tuesday to compensate, and voila.... lost weight.... sort of my own little version of the Wendie Plan! And this was all mostly done without any real exercise... but that's bad, gotta get back on THAT wagon this week!.

More (hopefully) *before* pics!!

OK. So ONCE again inspired by a very good friend of mine (you know who you are)... I'm being brave enough to post a couple of recent pictures of myself. These are from our trip to our cottage in Ontario at the begining of the month..... keep in mind that I would NEVER EVER EVER post these anywhere else because I can hardly even look at them. After getting home and downloading them, and once again feeling complete shock over how I look, I immediately concluded that every single picture would be filed under "BEFORE PICTURES"!!! The only way I can accept that this is the way I really look is that I have the dream of being able to look back on them after I've lost weight and be able to feel proud of how FAR I've come!!









I think that this is the cutest picture ever of everyone else!!! If I could have set it up myself, I woulda sat further down on the rock and more towards my husband!!! SO ridiculous how all I can ever think about is hiding my weight!

UGH. Nothing else to say .... UGH













My wonderful, fantastic, handsome husband.... who loves me no matter what I weigh... I am so grateful to have him in my life (I have a full body shot of this, but cant bring myself to post it!).

exciting times....

So, I just had to post because I'm so excited... I've been diligent with staying on plan this week so far, and have seen results on the scale (I do a mid-week weigh in on Mondays as a reality check). I was thinking this would happen as basically it's like I'm on week 1 due to being so off-plan for the last month, but it's exciting and motivating nonetheless. Can't wait to see what the all powerful and mighty scale says on Thursday!

MORE ON THE @#$%^ FAT SUIT

OK, I'm at the risk here of seeming like I just steal ideas from other peoples' blogs, but once again I was struck by the truthfulness of someone else's thoughts, and had to post them here, because I feel they ring so true and could perhaps help someone who reads my blog. She wrote:

"I was telling her (sis-in-law) about a recent trip I'd taken back to Seattle to visit my family... Every time I saw someone that I hadn't seen for a long time, all I could think about was how fat I was. I was just positive that they were noticing my largeness and thinking about how much weight I had gained. And maybe I was right. But that's not the point. The point is that my weight was keeping me from enjoying the people that I love and the things that I love to do. We talked about it some more and then my sister in law put it this way...

"I can never really be with people, because I'm always with my fat. When I see someone I love, I'm not thinking about them, I'm thinking about my fat and what they're thinking about my fat. When I do something that's fun, I'm thinking about how fat I look doing it... When someone hugs me, I'm not really thinking about hugging them, I'm thinking about how it must feel for them to hug my fat." She talked about a few other ways that she feels held back by her weight, and finally she said...

"I don't want to be with my fat anymore! I want to be with people!"

Wow. This resonated so much with me that I actually had a physical reaction to it. And like I told her, I hope I can somehow harness how incensed I am (at myself for holding myself back) and use it to light a fire under my butt!!

Check out Diet Coke & Zingers - she's awesome (and I'm still waiting to know what's behind the name!)

To fat chicks everywhere - TAKE OFF THE FAT SUIT AND START FULLY LIVING YOUR LIFE!!!

CAUTION: potential leg flinging hazard

I'm still giggling after writing a comment on Sonya's blog. It gave me such a ridiculous visual, that I had to write about it here.

She blogged about her NSV of losing enough weight to be able to cross her legs....

Now, being as overweight as I am, it is virtually impossible for me to cross my legs... at least not gracefully. As I raise my left leg to cross it over my right, my stomach gets in the way and I can only get it as far as getting my calf to rest on my knee. In order to get it further, I have to lift it with my left hand and pull it over with my right to get it past the knee. At that point, it is resting vicariously in this spot, and I have to sit there frozen hoping my leg doesn't suddenly fly off my knee and hit the person beside me. Obvioulsy none of this can be done inconspicuously, so I really never even try it.

ohhhhhh, the joys of being overweight!! If I really want to cross something, lucky me gets to sit with my ANKLES crossed like some schoolgirl. I find I always seem to have something crossed, if not lower body, then it's the arms or the hands... I know it's a self-conscious act - trying to make me look smaller or something.

Anyway, although the whole crossing my legs thing DOES make me laugh, cause it's just so ridiculous, it's really a sad state of affairs. Sonya, I hope to share your NSV one day!!!

PS Sonya, I hope it's ok that I linked to you?? If not, just let me know and I'll remove the link :)

Falling off the wagon hurts......

.....especially when the wagon backs up and rolls back and forth on you!

As you can see I am NOT posting my weigh in today. I just cant bring myself to weigh myself. Maybe I will later today. Really silly, as the whole point of this journey is to accept myself, triumphs and disappointments, and all. But I'm afraid if I see that number I just wont be able to get my oomph back.

*SIGH*... why is this so hard? correction, why do I make it so hard?? Why can't I follow through on this thing I want to achieve so badly sometimes I think I would do ANYTHING to achieve it?!! I'm the ONLY thing/person standing in the way of my success, and I just cant seem to get out of the way.

I had a cathartic cry last night because my weight is affecting so much of my life and preventing me from fully living it. My husbands feels it and wants me to be so much more happier, my kids don't feel too much effect from it yet, but soon will when it's obvious I'm not participating fully in their lives.... ie "why isn't mommy coming on the waterslides with us?" (**shudder at the image**) kind of stuff. I SOOOO wanted to have lost SOME weight before leaving for our trip to Israel to visit hubby's family. We leave in 2 weeks and we're going to be going to a resort for 5 days while we're there, and I'm now just dreading it instead of feeling excited about it because of this great big stupid fat coat I'm wearing.

I'm not sure how to get myself back ON the wagon again. I think the first step is just to stop making promises to myself. I don't believe myself anyway, so it's pretty much pointless!! I have to somehow prove to myself that I CAN do it, so that I can start believing in myself.

Anyway, BLAH. I'm sorry for my absence... I've been reading all your blogs this past week and just couldn't get motivated enough to blog myself. Actually, let's be honest - it's because I feel so embarrassed at how I've slipped. You're all extremely motivating, however, all you chickies who have unlocked your own secrets to success.... how I envy you!!!!

So I am recommitting. Sounds like I'm on my way to an insane asylum or something... which sadly feels quite appropriate - what's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If my name was in the dictionary, I think this would be my definition!

Thanks Becks - for the big kick in the ass... I deserved and needed it :)

Ciao bellas ;)

WEEK 8 RESULTS!

So I'm back!!!! And I gained 1.5 pounds.... but whatever, I'm back, feeling good and have been working hard to get back on track. I'll be back to add more latah :)

ON VACATION!!!

WOOHOO!! I am SO excited... to see my family, to go to my most favorite place in the world, and to get out of the same old same old daily routine around here. I'm totally scared about staying onplan while I'm away, but I'm bound and determined to incorporate some healthy strategies while there. Usually I incorcorporate the *I'm on vacation, so let's eat and drink and not exercise* strategy.... I dont go in planning to do this, but it has always organically taken over basically as soon as I step foot on cottage soil!! So this time, I am going to:

1) walk - the cottage road is along the lake.... it's beautiful.... 'nuff said. NO excuse why this cant happen daily
2) eat well - my husband and I get there first and we're doing the big grocery shop, so no reason why there wont be healthy food in the house.
3) get out there in my new bathing suit and enjoy swimming every day with the kids and NOT let my self consciousness get a hold on me. I think the more active I am and the more fun I'm having, the more I wont want to quell negative thoughts ("I look awful in this bathing suit") with a food fest
4) eat tons of fruit and veggies for snacks
5) drink tons of water
6) limit the alcohol... I like a nice fruity alcoholic drink in the evening while sitting around watching the sunset, but I wont go overboard.
7) HAVE A BLAST!!!!

I hope everyone has a great 2 weeks and I look forward to catching up on all your blogs when I return!!!

WEEK 5 RESULTS!

Down ANOTHER .5. I have nothing to say about it today *SIGH*. Obviously glad the weight is going down, but I know I would be losing much more if I put my heart and soul into it. Something's still holding me back from reaching my full weight losing potential.... hoping to figure it out soon for my own sake.

Good luck this week to everyone else!

Yet ANOTHER reason to hate being fat!

So I got my hair done today. It was the 3rd time in 5 months. Before that it had been a year since I'd gotten it cut (luckily with long curly hair you can do that - sort of)! I decided back in February that getting my hair cut was a way to start taking care of myself and treat myself to a bit of pampering (GASP - imagine!).

So I LOVE LOVE LOVE my hairdresser. She is the first person that I have gone back to in MY LIFE for a repeat cut. I LOVE my hair these days and love going in to see her. She spends almost 2 hours on me and I come out feeling all swingy and sexy. Plus, she always straightens my hair, and if you have curly hair, you know how exciting that is!

HOWEVER..... I HATE sitting in front of that mirror looking at my face. It happens every time... I get my hair washed and sit down on that hydrolic chair (more on that in a minute), look up and BAM! I'm stunned at how I look. Hair wet and slicked back, the rolls that appear because I'm sitting (I mean, how often do you look at yourself in a mirror when you're sitting? Shocking - that's all I can say) and I just FEEL HUGE. And then I see the cape.... ahhhh the lovely 'fat-hiding' cape. Once that's on, I can almost pretend that there's a thin person under there. Except that I have no neck and my face still looks fat... but still - if it wasn't for the cape, I don't know that I could sit there making small talk.

And then she starts to pump the chair to raise me up. Does anyone else ever feel fear and trepidation when that chair starts rising? I'm sitting there wondering what the weight limit is on those hydrolics and how humiliating it would be if the poor things just couldn't take it. How everyone would hear the sad hissing noise they'd make as they slowly gave up and I slowly sunk down to the floor. There are no words.

I CANT WAIT to not think these ridiculous energy-robbing thoughts anymore. I imagine that when my weight is not such a big issue, that I may be able to just sit there and enjoy the hair cut (again, GASP!).

I won't even talk about catching myself in the windows/mirrors as I bounced out of the mall. I chose to avert my eyes to my hair and capitalize on the *straight sexy hair moment*. I'm glad I did, because I stepped out into torrential downpour. Bye bye sexy straight hair - guess it's time to go back to being a pony-tailed mommy :)

PS: Hair is already starting to curl in this picture
PPS: ** Picture Taking Tip: Take picture from above.... and voila - 50 pounds lighter :) **